Tag Archives: Childhood trauma

40 Relationship Red Flags You Should Watch For

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I’d say 90% of my readings are on love life challenges. If we could stay alert and watch for these signs when we meet someone, we could save ourselves a lot of pain down the road. I think this is a pretty good list, and I hope you will find it useful. AND it applies to men AND women!!

Here’s a few of them:

40 Relationship Red Flags You Should Watch For (As Told By 40 Women Who Didn’t)

They aren’t that committed

Don’t chase those who don’t seem as committed as you. If someone genuinely is interested in you or likes you it won’t be like pulling teeth to hang out or see them.

Believe them

If someone tells you they’re an asshole, believe them.

If he promises to break your heart, he will

I was seeing a guy who told me point blank to my face “I will break your heart as hard as I can.” My first reaction was to tell him he was a good person.

He was most certainly not a good person. He was barely capable of being an okay person. I seriously wish I could go back in time… grab Past Me by the hand, and get the hell out of there. It would saved me some major grief.

If he thinks he’s the only

If someone thinks they are unique as in literally the only person who sees the truth about the world and society…or that you are the only one who knows the truth about the universe…or both of you together are the only woke people in the world and everyone else and other institutions are all sheep. That’s a very bad sign.

“I’m damaged. Nobody understands me…”

A huge red flag I’ve learned is when a man (or woman) says ‘I should come with a warning label’… or some equivalent like; I’m damaged, no one understands me, I’m dangerous/edgy, I don’t play well with others… just take them at their word and leave. It’s not worth the emotional effort to get through to them and they will constantly use it as an excuse for bad or abusive behavior.

The Clinger

He insisted on spending every possible moment he could with me. Every single weekend he’d stay at my place… Any time I complained about anything he said or did, I was attacking him and making him feel bad, and he would make everything my fault until I felt bad and apologized for getting mad at him.

I dated him for two years before I realized he wasn’t my responsibility and I finally broke it off with him.

They aren’t there for you

When the person is never there for you. When you always have to be the one to support them and get nothing back. When someone is unable to be independent from their family and explains toxic, abusive or otherwise unacceptable behavior as “it’s just how they are”.

Being inconsistent and indecisive

In both romantic relationships and friendships: inconsistency and complacency. I’ve often tried to make excuses for people who are hot/cold, who don’t keep plans or put any effort into making plans, who don’t say what they mean and mean what they say. That kind of person is fun for a drink every once in a while, but they’re nowhere to be found when you really need them.

Doesn’t text back

If you get busy with work, etc for a long period of time but he doesn’t know, and still doesn’t text you. For example, when I get busy with work and my boyfriend knows, he will back off to let me focus on stuff; if he doesn’t know I’m busy and I don’t respond, he checks in on me to make sure everything is okay. I’ve dated guys who have gone two days without texting me and it wasn’t because they thought I was busy, etc, they just didn’t feel like talking to me.

Always an excuse

He always had an excuse for why he didn’t do what he said he was going to. Always with the excuses. The excuses were barely believable which was pretty insulting too.

Read the rest of them here

 

Intimacy

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“We can let ourselves be close to people.

Many of us have deeply ingrained patterns for sabotaging relationships. Some of us may instinctively terminate a relationship once it moves to a certain level of closeness and intimacy.

When we start to feel close to someone, we may zero in on one of the person’s character defects, and then make it so big it’s all we can see. We may withdraw, or push the person away to create distance. We may start criticizing the other person, a behavior sure to create distance.

We may start trying to control the person, a behavior that prevents intimacy.

We may tell ourselves we don’t want or need another person, or smother the person with our needs.

Sometimes, we defeat ourselves by trying to be close to people who aren’t available for intimacy – people with active addictions, or people who don’t choose to be close to us. Sometimes, we choose people with particular faults so that when it comes time to be close, we have an escape hatch.

We’re afraid, and we fear losing ourselves. We’re afraid that closeness means we won’t be able to own our power to take care of ourselves.

In recovery, we’re learning that it’s okay to let ourselves be close to people. We’re choosing to relate to safe, healthy people, so closeness is a possibility. Closeness doesn’t mean we have to lose ourselves, or our life. As one man said, “We’re learning that we can own our power with people, even when we’re close, even when the other person has something we need.”

Today, I will be available for closeness and intimacy with people, when that’s appropriate. Whenever possible, I will let myself be who I am, let others be who they are, and enjoy the bond and good feelings between us.”

– The Language of Letting Go

July Astro

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Astrologically, the first days of July have been emotionally rough, and the best way through it has been to Feel our Feelings. The Sun is in Cancer which is the most emotionally sensitive sign of the zodiac. It directs our attention to unresolved family/home issues that need to be addressed and purged. Also, the Moon has been traveling through Scorpio the last few days – bringing up our deepest psychological knots to be healed. Mercury and Mars have been barreling through Cancer too, adding some extra urgency and heat. PLUS on Saturday, Chiron (the wounded healer) turned retrograde – activating the vulnerable place of old pain each of us carries. I mean seriously!! How much more can we take??!!

Be gentle with yourself this week, and take time for solitude if you need it. I do a lot of journaling during times like these, and often find nuggets of wisdom through reflection and dreams. As a wise friend once told me, “if you treat yourself like a precious jewel, everything will fall into place”. I find the deepest truths can be found in our recurring patterns. Is there something you need to sacrifice in order to release suffering?

 

 

Currently:
Mars opposing Pluto (the warrior faces Death, read this piece by Austin Coppock)
Mercury into Leo 5:20pm Pacific TODAY.
Full Moon in Capricorn this SUNDAY, July 9th (just work all weekend)
Venus in Gemini, Mars in Cancer (not happy) until July 20th.

So basically, next weekend could be the sequel to last… the Full Moon this Sunday is at the same degree as Pluto – so we will have a Full Moon conjunct Pluto which is also intensely emotional – but highly transformational. Pluto wants to help us rebirth ourselves by clearing out toxic sludge; it’s catharsis.

“Catharsis (from Greek κάθαρσις katharsis meaning “purification” or “cleansing”) is the purification and purgation of emotions—especially pity and fear—through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration. It is a metaphor originally used by Aristotle in the Poetics, comparing the effects of tragedy on the mind of a spectator to the effect of a cathartic on the body.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catharsis

From Katie Sweetman:

July 2017 Horoscopes
http://empoweringastrology.com/july-2017-horoscopes

Pluto in Capricorn: Sign by Sign
http://empoweringastrology.com/pluto-in-capricorn-sign-by-s…

 

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“Sirens by the Sea” by Victor Karlovich Shtemberg (1863-1921)

Alanon meditation

ToolMe

The Language of Letting Go” is one of my favorite books of wisdom. Today’s sentiment really resonates with me, and I want to share it 🙂

Happy Monday!

Powerlessness and Unmanageability

“Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.

“I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren’t, don’t want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process,” said one recovering woman.

I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn’t love himself be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.

I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavailable people be emotionally present for me. I have spent even more years trying to make family members, who are content feeling miserable, happy.

What I’m saying is this: I’ve spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn’t. It’s been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won’t work!

By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life.

In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.

Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I’ll allow my life to become manageable.”

It’s not what you think

Fantastic insights depression and the death of Chris Cornell. I also found this study that links addiction to childhood trauma:

http://upliftconnect.com/addiction-is-a-response-to-childhood-suffering/

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING, PLEASE GET HELP. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak, it’s a way of taking care of yourself and the people that love you.

The First Ten Words by Rich Larson

Chris Cornell, 1964-2017

Chris Cornell died early Thursday morning. His band Soundgarden played a show on Wednesday night at the Fox Theater in Detroit. Two hours after the show ended, he was gone.

For two days, I’ve been working on a piece to pay tribute to him, and it’s been a struggle. Usually when I have a problem like this it’s because I’m staring at a blank screen trying to figure out what I want to say. That’s not the problem this time. The problem is I have way too much to say.

I’m not going to sit here and claim to have been a huge fan of Soundgarden. I didn’t dislike them, I just had to take them in small doses. I was a fan of Cornell. I love “Seasons,” the solo song he had on Cameron Crowe’s movie, Singles. It’s a droning acoustic song about isolation and the…

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How childhood trauma could affect your life expectancy, relationships and mental health

This is an important article. If you feel you’ve suffered from childhood trauma, please get help and support. Please take it seriously. This is a common thread in many of the readings I do for people, and all of us deserve to find peace and happiness in our lives. Mindful Meditation is a fantastic method for dealing with these issues.
If this is you, please reach out and GET HELP.

 

Article by Sarah Young:

“Childhood abuse can create long-lasting scars, damage our perception of the world and set our brains to self-destruct until we are well into our 50s, say experts.

While the relationships that we form at a young age help us to develop, if they are destructive, they can negatively impact the rest of our lives.

Research has shown that childhood trauma, ranging from sexual abuse and parent’s divorce to alcoholism in the home, actually increases the odds of heart disease, stroke, depression and diabetes later on in life.

Furthermore, it also increases risky health behaviors such as smoking or having a large number of sexual partners, and even contributes to a lower life expectancy.

The study revealed that those traumatized as children, with six or more adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), died nearly 20 years earlier than those who had none.

As well as physical affects, these experiences are known to increase the risk of poor psychological health later.

Children who suffer trauma often grow to distrust others as a result of being betrayed by the very adults who are supposed to nurture and protect them, according to the Australian abuse support group Blue Knot Foundation.

Similarly, a study of more than 21,000 child abuse survivors age 60 and older in Australia revealed a much greater rate of failed marriages and relationships, with abuse survivors more  likely to rate themselves “not happy at all” or “not very happy.”

Other problems people with a history of child trauma are more likely to experience include depression, anxiety, drug or alcohol abuse, addiction to gambling and shopping, and low self-esteem.

Despite this, there are a number of therapies and tools known to help trauma survivors such as mindful meditation and cognitive behavioral therapy. “