Excellent post by Kathrine Meraki in The Ascent!
Here’s the full article: https://medium.com/the-ascent/this-is-why-your-brain-thinks-dating-a-secure-person-is-boring-ce24487c8fa4
…”when you meet and date a secure person, something just doesn’t feel quite right. Despite the fact they’re comfortable with emotions, don’t play games and don’t keep you guessing…
You still can’t put your finger on this something.
Well, it’s likely you… not them.
Your brain tricking you, don’t fall for it if you want a secure relationship.
Here’s why dating a secure person feels boring………..
You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships
“Mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness … even for people who love each other greatly.” — Amir Levine
When you’ve got two insecurely attached people in a relationship, it creates an addictive pattern.
Let’s say you’ve got an avoidant person and an anxious person, and they’re dating.
- Anxious person — They want the avoidant person to reassure them and show them they care. Anxiously attached people often have low-self esteem and fear abandonment by their partner.
- Avoidant person — They don’t like emotional displays because they feel overwhelmed by them. They might begin pulling away from the anxious person and use excuses to avoid them.
In this situation, the anxious person might begin feeling like they’ve done something wrong. Their heart rate goes up; they might feel sweaty and stressed out.
They grab their phone and write a long message to the person. They’re breathing rapidly, and they’re nervous about sending the text.
They just want to fix what they’ve done and make things ‘right’ again. Maybe they try and use sex to do this, I did.
Amir Levine said:
“The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love.”
And if the avoidant person replies or tries to get in touch again, the anxious person feels relieved.
Endorphins rush through their body and brain. The pain in their stomach dissolves, “phew,” they let out a sigh.
It’s like a heroin user getting their fix.
Only this time, the anxious person will walk on eggshells. They’ll stuff their wants and needs down.
It always comes back up again, though, which scares the other person away. And the pattern repeats itself until one person backs away for good.
Dating A Secure Person Feels Like You’re Going Cold Turkey
“You are absolutely worthy of love. You are made of love and you don’t need someone to trigger you into it by their unavailability.” — Damien Bohler
When you’re used to the toxic and high arousal of insecure relationships, secure people won’t give you that addictive hit. Secure people:
- Don’t play games
- Know what they want, and they will tell you
- Won’t push you away if you open up to them
- Aren’t codependent
- Aren’t afraid of talking about their feelings with you.
This can be terrifying for an insecurely attached person.
- When you’ve been used to rollercoaster relationships your whole life, something predictable and stable shocks you.
- You might believe there’s no connection between you and the secure person because they don’t trigger the rush you’re used to.
- You may want to run and go back to someone who clings on or pushes away because you think this is passion and love.
It’s not passion. It’s insecure attachment.
Stop! Don’t Jump Ship Yet
“In short, secure attachment is attunement. It reflects a positive-enough environment that creates and engenders basic trust.” — Diane Poole Heller
If you’re dating someone secure, the insecure part of you might feel tempted to hightail it. If you feel there’s no connection there, ask yourself:
Is this predictability activating my insecure attachment?
If you persevere and push through the discomfort, you’ll soon learn if it is insecure attachment or if you genuinely don’t have a connection.
It’s important to remember you’ve been used to ups and downs, and it might feel uncomfortable at first dating someone secure.
You might think your connection is dull and lacking passion. Here’s what a secure relationship looks like:
- Healthy, secure relationships won’t give you emotional whiplash.
- There’s a sense of trust and respect for each other.
- You both are comfortable hanging out with friends separately and doing your own thing.
- Showing each other love and affection is easy.
Dianne Pool Heller rightly said:
“As we familiarize ourselves more with secure attachment, our relationships become easier and more rewarding — we’re less reactive, more receptive, more available for connection, healthier, and much more likely to bring out the securely attached tendencies in others.”
When your partner models to you what a healthy attachment style is, you tend to follow suit. Even better if you can work on yourself too.
I’m glad I didn’t bail on my partner when I felt overwhelmed, because I wouldn’t have learned what a stable relationship is.
EXCELLENT post by Niki Marinis:
“If he’s not asking you out often, he’s not interested in a relationship. If he only texts you when he’s bored at work, he’s not interested in a relationship. If you only hear from him in the middle of the night, he’s not interested in anything but sex.
This is also why you don’t only date HIM, you date tons of guys at the same time. Let the best man win, damn it.
What has this guy done to deserve your exclusivity? What has he done to prove to you that you should cut off all your other options?
You pressing him for a verbal answer isn’t going to make him want to be with you if he doesn’t already. It isn’t going to make you look like a confident, sexy woman, either.
A confident sexy woman is paying attention to who is paying attention to her. Period. If it’s not him, then he’s out of the running, or very low on the list.
This is YOUR love life. This is YOUR time and energy. Don’t be so eager to shove it in some random guy’s face. Stop committing to men simply because YOU like him. That doesn’t mean he likes YOU. Don’t choose him and then try to make him want you.
Stop opening the door every five seconds looking out to see who’s coming up the walk way. Be too goddamn busy to care who the fuck is coming to your door. And only open it for those who have the fucking balls to knock on it. Stop opening it and waving them in from the street.
Stop saying words. Walk the fuck away. They’ll notice that.
I was up late last night watching trash TV at the hotel my friend got to bribe me into taking her to LAX. I’m a sucker for down pillows and comforters and rooms I don’t have to clean.
She put on a show called Marrying Millions. Yep, that show exists. And I saw a perfect example of exactly what I’m talking about.
The couple is a 34 yo woman and a 29 yo millionaire entrepreneur/rapper man. They’ve been dating for a year. He got her a diamond bracelet for her birthday, not an engagement ring and she was pissed. She decided she needed to talk to him about this. (DON’T DO IT, I’m screaming at the screen)
She wants to know where this relationship is going. (yawn) She’s 34 and wants to get married and have kids and start a family.
It’s a relationship, not a business transaction. You’re dealing with an actual person with their own feelings and wants and timeline, not an inanimate object you can put anywhere you want.
He said he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her but he’s not ready to get married tomorrow. She doesn’t want to accept that. She wants a guarantee that if she waits he’ll marry her.
THAT’S NOT HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK
No one can guarantee you shit. That’s the risk you take in love. Do you love him? Then it shouldn’t matter when it happens. And pressuring him isn’t going to make it happen any sooner.
Only it did. He took her to a ring shop the next day.
But here’s the thing: her pressure didn’t make HIM any more ready to marry her. It made him afraid to lose her, sure. So she was going to get a Shut the Fuck Up ring out of fear instead of an inspired, heartfelt proposal.
She said to him, “Are you doing this because you feel like I pressured you?” And THAT’S why you don’t do this kind of shit, because you will NEVER know the truth. You will NEVER KNOW if he asked you because you pressured him or because he really wanted to.
The ONLY way to know if a man truly wants to be with you is if it’s HIS idea, HIS choice, of his own volition and not from any emotional manipulation on your part.
Isn’t that what you want? Someone who wants you because you’re you and not because you have to convince/threaten/pressure them to be with you? That screams desperate, not confident. That screams willing to settle, not you’re the best choice for me.
Work on yourself. Build your confidence, self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem.
The more you love yourself the less you’ll be willing to settle for and/or throw yourself at the next remotely passable guy who shows you basic human kindness that you confuse for romantic interest.
SPOILER: the diamond bracelet was CZs and they’re still not engaged. Shocker.
Sun at 5 Capricorn.
Mercury DIRECT at 0 Capricorn.
Mars at 25 Scorpio (strong) and Venus at 9 Aquarius.
Jupiter at 5 Capricorn (in it’s fall, or weakened).
Saturn at 20 Capricorn, Pluto at 22 Capricorn.
Neptune at 16 Pisces.
If you feel like you’re in an intense time of transformation, you are correct. We are being asked as individuals, and a society, to rise up to the next level of our soul consciousness. First, the Winter Solstice last week demanded we release our dead weight. It’s now Winter, and there’s a primal urge to release that which no longer serves us. It will become imperative this month as Saturn and Pluto join in a rare conjunction on January 12th at 23 degrees Capricorn. We’ve been building up to this event for months now, and it has finally arrived! These two powerful planets govern our responsibilities, maturity and evolution. The Sun has passed the Galactic Center, and is reborn into a new year. We have a new beginning within our grasp, and we are being called to operate within the Truth and mystery of our Universe. We are all stardust, and our internal universal codes are being activated on a deep level.
All of this activity is aimed squarely at Capricorns, but all of the earth signs (Taurus and Virgo) will feel the impact. Any planets you have in your chart near 23 degrees Capricorn, Aries, Cancer or Libra are being blasted with powerful energy. You can’t ignore these life aspects now. If you’d like a reading to see how this effects you personally, you can book me here.
If all that wasn’t enough, we had an eclipse on Christmas Day in Capricorn! It was probably an intense day for many people. Eclipses tend to highlight unresolved emotions and stuck areas in our lives. We are now between eclipses, the next one showing up on January 9th in Cancer – just three days before this momentous conjunction.
Right now, Saturday, we are experiencing a Sun and Jupiter conjunction, which expands the opportunities for our soul’s vision. It’s a happy aspect, since both planets are over supplied with optimism, wealth, hope and healing. You can make some progress on important tasks today.
In general, it’s best to take things a day at a time right now, and prioritize your responsibilities. Stay present with your feelings and keep communications clear with loved ones. Take ownership of your life, work hard, and everything will go smoothly. More to come next week 🙂
Loneliness is a worthy foe, and with the rise of social media, most of us are suffering from it in some form – especially this time of year. It’s easy to feel isolated in tense family situations or even parties.
“Striving for connection along with a healthy dose of self-care will get you through the season.”
So how do we cope? I’m glad I ran across this article today. It has some fantastic actions we can take to combat loneliness, especially this time of year. Along with the list from the article, I would add these things:
Having a social life and human connection is important for us to thrive in our lives. A lot of people are shy about reaching out, or inviting people to do things. Do It!! Same sex friendships are particularly important in my opinion. If you have trouble meeting people then volunteer for something you care about…. and/or get a pet.
Animals are awesome. If you don’t, or can’t, have one, volunteering at the local shelter is a great way to interact cats and dogs, and to be of service at the same time!
Go to a Gym
It took me awhile to build up to it, but now I go three times a week. Working out keeps my blood moving and my endorphins running. I think more clearly, and I’m able to make better decisions. And I have more energy. Exercise is the best thing for everyone.
I’m personally sober since 2005, but if I wasn’t I would severely limit alcohol and stay away from drugs. In my experience these things end up making loneliness much worse.
This time of year is next-to-impossible to eat right, but I SO stay away from eating sugar. It keeps my blood sugar steady throughout that day so there’s less moodiness.
Good Night’s Sleep
I strive to get a good night’s sleep every night – which means eight solid hours in a dark, cool room.
List ten things you’re grateful for when you feel low and it will completely change your thinking and mood.
Walk in Nature
I take a walk in nature everyday with my dog. Looking at trees, grass, and feeling the warmth of the sun brings me lots of joy.
It doesn’t matter if you’re good at it. You’ll probably improve as you go along anyway. I’ve taken multiple creative paths and it feels so good to create something. Write something or pick up and instrument… or a pen!
Be of Service
Get out and be of service to people. Being of service in some way is crucial.
Get a New Job
I know from experience, if you’re unhappy with your job, you HAVE to make a change. Life is too short and we spend too much time there. Anyone can do it. Make a plan, get some training or education, and DO WHAT YOU LOVE.
Sun at 19 Sagittarius.
Mercury is now DIRECT at 2 Sagittarius (detriment… not happy).
Mars at 14 Scorpio (strong) and Venus at 19 Capricorn (weak).
Jupiter at 1 Capricorn (in it’s fall, or weakened).
Saturn at 19 Capricorn, Pluto at 21 Capricorn.
Neptune at 15 Pisces.
Full Moon in Gemini on Wednesday, Dec. 11th at 9:12pm. The theme is LIBERATION, and it will effect everyone individually depending on where it falls in a chart. This week we are resolving dualities, and looking for the unifying energy. As we inch closer to the Saturn-Pluto conjunction in January, it’s time to get our affairs in order. A glimpse of January’s event appears this week as Venus conjuncts Saturn and Pluto. A huge shift is arriving next month; it will deliver either a sobering wake-up call, or rewards for hard work.
Jupiter entered Capricorn last week, marking a significant shift for the next year. Our desires and ambitions experience new limits or obstacles. Think back 12 years ago, and what was going on in your life. With Jupiter in Capricorn, you’ll find some of these themes repeating in your life, but in a different way. Jupiter is not happy (or in it’s fall) in Capricorn, but there are some good character-building qualities to this placement. Jupiter in Capricorn grounds us, and helps us accept the realities of personal achievement. We focus on creating solid foundations, and develop the patience for long-term ambitions to be realized. We get to work. If you want a personal reading on how this shift will affect you, schedule me here.
Wednesday, 12/11: Full Moon in Gemini at 9:12pm. Catch up with friends, take short trips, call your family and engage with your community. Messages could arrive from the universe today, so pay attention to synchronicities. Great day for writing, negotiation and expressing your genius in creative ways.
Thursday, 12/12: Moon in Cancer. And just like that we are in the realm of Crab; we withdraw into our shells and comfort zones. The power of the Full Moon is still in effect, so be sensitive to people’s feeling today. Focus on self care, and work around the house.
Friday, 12/13: Moon in Cancer. The mood might lighten a bit today, but still avoid social complications – especially in personal relationships. It’s a romantic evening though.
Saturday, 12/14: Moon void-of-course in Cancer all day. Indulgence. Allow yourself to relax, eat too much food and engage in escapism. Not much progress can be made today to go with the flow.
Sunday, 12/15: Moon in Leo. Today we bust out of the quiet, Cancerian mode and move towards matters of the heart. The emphasis today is on personal achievement and artistic expression.
“According to Vedanta, there are only two symptoms of enlightenment, just two indications that a transformation is taking place within you toward a higher consciousness.
The first symptom is that you stop worrying. Things don’t bother you anymore. You become light-hearted and full of joy.
The second symptom is that you encounter more and more meaningful coincidences in your life, more and more synchronicities. And this accelerates to the point where you actually experience the miraculous.”
Sun at 18 Scorpio.
Mercury at 19 Scorpio.
Mars at 24 Libra and Venus at 11 Sagittarius.
Jupiter at 24 Sagittarius.
Saturn at 16 Capricorn, Pluto at 21 Capricorn.
Uranus, Neptune retrograde.
Big events this week with Mercury crossing the face of the Sun today, and a Full Moon in Taurus tomorrow.
Mercury conjunct Sun in Scorpio allows us to connect with our soul’s purpose and express it outwardly. We go deep and finally say things we’ve been repressing or hiding. It’s time to be as authentic and real as possible.
Monday, 11/11: Moon in Taurus. Mercury crossing the Sun is the BIG thing today! It brings fresh ideas, new beginnings and clarity. We see the next phase of our path and we move towards it. This is a rare event that won’t happen again until 2032! Today we are also within the orb of the Full Moon in Taurus tomorrow, but first the Sun conjuncts Uranus, bringing an air of rebellion and independence.
Tuesday, 11/12: Full Moon in Taurus 5:34am Pacific, Sun in Scorpio. The Moon is exalted – in it’s best position – in Taurus, which allows for grounded thinking. We can sort through our emotions and make solid choices on the best direction.
Wednesday, 11/13: Moon in Gemini on the day of Mercury. Since the planet is currently retrograde, our focus is on researching, re-doing and re-working. Lots of chattiness and socializing too.
Thursday, 11/14: Moon in Gemini. Kind of a weird day with the Moon opposing both Venus and Jupiter during their square to Neptune. Facts evaporate as we grasp them, and the progress we made earlier in the week seems like a far off dream. Go with the flow and avoid excesses.
Friday, 11/15: Moon in Cancer. We slow down and turn our minds towards taking care of ourselves. Emotions rule the day, and comfort food is encouraged. Avoid confrontations because feelings are highly sensitive and you may not be forgiven.
Saturday, 11/16: Moon in Cancer. The Moon opposes Saturn and Pluto today, casting a melancholy shadow over our affairs. Try not to ruminate on yourself too much – or on the intentions of others. Distract yourself by going to an uplifting movie, or being of service to a friend in need.
Sunday, 11/17: Moon VOC in Cancer. It’s a “nesting” day of getting the house in order and cooking some nice meals.
Sun at 5 Scorpio.
Mercury at 27 Scorpio.
Mars at 14 Libra and Venus at 25 Scorpio.
Jupiter at 22 Sagittarius.
Saturn at 15 Capricorn, Pluto at 20 Capricorn.
Uranus, Neptune retrograde.
The intensity of Scorpio is visible in the California fires and the current posturing on the political stage. Saturn and Pluto have barely moved from their Direct positions, which brings more stubbornness and guardedness to the climate.
Meanwhile, we had a New Moon In Scorpio on Sunday. This officially ushers in the witchy season. The veil between the worlds is thin and we can see spirits. Scorpio dives deep into our dreams, secrets and psychology; unearthing healing truths that make us feel triumphant or morose. There’s no middle ground with Scorpio, and we must depend on our instincts and primal nature to walk this underground path.
Scorpio is psychology, ambition, passion, sex, intensity, control, sensitivity, moodiness and suspicion. Practice forgiveness whenever possible and embrace authenticity in yourself and others.
Tuesday, 10/29: Moon void, then into Sagittarius. The Moon is making conjunctions with Venus and Mercury in Scorpio today, which are great aspects for focusing your mind. Mercury brings up issues that have been neglected or hidden. Creative and insightful day.
Wednesday, 10/30: Moon in Sagittarius. Uplifted mood today! You can safely speak your truth and make progress with people. Mercury and Venus form a conjunction in Scorpio, also bringing the desire to get on solid footing with people. If you find yourself ruminating on the motivations of others, either ask them point blank or let it go.
Thursday, 10/31 HALLOWEEN: We start the day off with a Moon-Jupiter conjunction in Sagittarius; bringing elevated spirits and the party vibe. Follow already established plans though, because Mercury stations retrograde around 8:30am bringing a lot of unpredictability to the day.
Friday, 11/1: Moon in Capricorn. After all the partying and soul retrieval this week, it’s time to refocus on working hard. Venus enters Sagittarius tonight, lightening the mood and reigniting the fun. Good evening for money spells.
Saturday, 11/2: Moon in Capricorn. It’s a day of errands, house cleaning, and getting our ducks in a row. Good day to plant bulbs or anything needing root development and a solid foundation.
Sunday, 11/3: Moon into Aquarius and daylight savings time! We fall back an hour, giving us extra time for projects and people we enjoy. Be of service today, and write down your insights and ideas.