Tag Archives: Addictiverelationships

Putting our life on hold

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Putting Our Life on Hold

We cannot afford to put our needs on hold, waiting for another person to fulfill us, make our life better, or come around and be who and what we want that person to be. That will create resentment, hostility, an unhealthy dependency, and a mess to deal with later on.

If we have decided we want a particular relationship or want to wait about making a decision in a particular relationship, then we must go on with our own life in the interim.

That can be hard. It can feel natural to put our life on hold. That is when we get caught up in the codependent beliefs: That person can make me happy… I need that particular person to do a particular thing in order to be happy….

That’s a circumstance that can hook our low self-esteem, our self-doubt, and our tendency to neglect ourselves.

We can get into this situation in a number of ways. We can do this waiting for a letter, waiting for a job, waiting for a person, waiting for an event.

We do not have to put our life on hold. There will be repercussions from doing this. Go on with your life. Take life a day at a time.

What is something I could be doing now to take care of myself, make myself feel better, get my needs met in an appropriate, healthy way?

How can I own my power to take care of myself, despite what the other person is or isn’t doing?

What will happen if I break the system and begin taking care of myself?

Sometimes, we get the answer we want immediately. Sometimes, we wait for a while. Sometimes, things don’t work out exactly the way we hoped. But they always work out for good, and often better than we expected.

And in the meantime, we have manifested love for ourselves by living our own life and taking the control away from others. That always comes back to us tenfold, because when we actually manifest love for ourselves, we give our Higher Power, other people, and the Universe permission to send us the love we want and need. Stopping living our life to make a thing happen doesn’t work. All it does is make us miserable, because we have stopped living our life.

Today, I will force myself, if necessary, to live my own life. I will act in my own best interest, in a way that reflects self-love. If I have given power or control of my life to someone other than myself, and someone besides a Power greater than myself, I will take it back. I will begin acting in my own best interests, even if it feels awkward to do that.

From the “Language of Letting Go”

to find love

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To a young woman seeking the right young man:

So many believe that love is a romance; that it is something into which you fall, suddenly, effortlessly.

Let me tell you what is true love.

Two people live together, care for each other, weather the storms together

—and one day they discover they cannot live without one another.

That is love.

Don’t fall in love. Create love.

  • Rabbi Tzvi Freeman

This is Why Your Brain Thinks Dating A Secure Person Is Boring

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Excellent post by Kathrine Meraki in The Ascent!
Here’s the full article: https://medium.com/the-ascent/this-is-why-your-brain-thinks-dating-a-secure-person-is-boring-ce24487c8fa4

…”when you meet and date a secure person, something just doesn’t feel quite right. Despite the fact they’re comfortable with emotions, don’t play games and don’t keep you guessing…

You still can’t put your finger on this something.

Well, it’s likely you… not them.

Your brain tricking you, don’t fall for it if you want a secure relationship.

Here’s why dating a secure person feels boring………..

You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships

“Mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness … even for people who love each other greatly.” — Amir Levine

When you’ve got two insecurely attached people in a relationship, it creates an addictive pattern.

Let’s say you’ve got an avoidant person and an anxious person, and they’re dating.

  • Anxious person — They want the avoidant person to reassure them and show them they care. Anxiously attached people often have low-self esteem and fear abandonment by their partner.
  • Avoidant person — They don’t like emotional displays because they feel overwhelmed by them. They might begin pulling away from the anxious person and use excuses to avoid them.

In this situation, the anxious person might begin feeling like they’ve done something wrong. Their heart rate goes up; they might feel sweaty and stressed out.

They grab their phone and write a long message to the person. They’re breathing rapidly, and they’re nervous about sending the text.

They just want to fix what they’ve done and make things ‘right’ again. Maybe they try and use sex to do this, I did.

Amir Levine said:

“The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love.”

And if the avoidant person replies or tries to get in touch again, the anxious person feels relieved.

Endorphins rush through their body and brain. The pain in their stomach dissolves, “phew,” they let out a sigh.

It’s like a heroin user getting their fix.

Only this time, the anxious person will walk on eggshells. They’ll stuff their wants and needs down.

It always comes back up again, though, which scares the other person away. And the pattern repeats itself until one person backs away for good.

Dating A Secure Person Feels Like You’re Going Cold Turkey

“You are absolutely worthy of love. You are made of love and you don’t need someone to trigger you into it by their unavailability.” — Damien Bohler

When you’re used to the toxic and high arousal of insecure relationships, secure people won’t give you that addictive hit. Secure people:

  • Don’t play games
  • Know what they want, and they will tell you
  • Won’t push you away if you open up to them
  • Aren’t codependent
  • Aren’t afraid of talking about their feelings with you.

This can be terrifying for an insecurely attached person.

  • When you’ve been used to rollercoaster relationships your whole life, something predictable and stable shocks you.
  • You might believe there’s no connection between you and the secure person because they don’t trigger the rush you’re used to.
  • You may want to run and go back to someone who clings on or pushes away because you think this is passion and love.

It’s not passion. It’s insecure attachment.

Stop! Don’t Jump Ship Yet

“In short, secure attachment is attunement. It reflects a positive-enough environment that creates and engenders basic trust.” — Diane Poole Heller

If you’re dating someone secure, the insecure part of you might feel tempted to hightail it. If you feel there’s no connection there, ask yourself:

Is this predictability activating my insecure attachment?

If you persevere and push through the discomfort, you’ll soon learn if it is insecure attachment or if you genuinely don’t have a connection.

It’s important to remember you’ve been used to ups and downs, and it might feel uncomfortable at first dating someone secure.

You might think your connection is dull and lacking passion. Here’s what a secure relationship looks like:

  • Healthy, secure relationships won’t give you emotional whiplash.
  • There’s a sense of trust and respect for each other.
  • You both are comfortable hanging out with friends separately and doing your own thing.
  • Showing each other love and affection is easy.

Dianne Pool Heller rightly said:

“As we familiarize ourselves more with secure attachment, our relationships become easier and more rewarding — we’re less reactive, more receptive, more available for connection, healthier, and much more likely to bring out the securely attached tendencies in others.”

When your partner models to you what a healthy attachment style is, you tend to follow suit. Even better if you can work on yourself too.

I’m glad I didn’t bail on my partner when I felt overwhelmed, because I wouldn’t have learned what a stable relationship is.