To a young woman seeking the right young man:
So many believe that love is a romance; that it is something into which you fall, suddenly, effortlessly.
Let me tell you what is true love.
Two people live together, care for each other, weather the storms together
—and one day they discover they cannot live without one another.
That is love.
Don’t fall in love. Create love.
I’ve had a few one-sided relationships in my life, and of course it all started with my relationship with my alcoholic father. When I saw this picture from the “Rising Woman” website, it really reminded me of growing up with a distant father. Seems like many kids who grew up in the 70’s experienced the same thing.
My dad had very low self esteem, and no tools to manage his emotions. The only thing he knew to do was drink and create emotional and physical distance from people. When my Mom left him in 1969, he punished her by emotionally abandoning me. The result was I had difficulty trusting men, and would usually choose someone who was a workaholic, heavy drinker, physically compromised or burdened with responsibilities.
Thanks to my work in programs like Alanon, I’ve been able to work through a lot of these issues. Alanon is free and available to anyone dealing with an alcoholic or addict. I highly recommend it! Here’s more information from Rising Woman about one sided relationships with romantic partners:
“Ever find yourself clinging to a one-sided relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner?
A good question to ask when we notice this is:
“What part of me is it that wants this so badly?”
Sometimes it’s our most wounded self… or our “child-self” that takes over and gets caught in the pain and fear of not being chosen.
… The fear of being abandoned.
Our emotions are powerful. And to become more Conscious and self-loving… It’s our job to learn how to listen to our emotions and act from a place of self-worth.
(Rather than react out of discomfort.)
We often simply mask our discomfort to avoid feeling abandoned, unloved, or unworthy, without really going to the root cause.
We’re temporarily soothing ourselves with a chase… or giving ourselves away in dead-end relationships.
… But we’re not actually getting what we want or what we deserve from a relationship.
If they say they can’t commit – Believe them.
If they tell you they aren’t ready – Believe them.
If they say “I like you, but I’m selfish” – Believe them.
People don’t necessarily want to hurt us, but the reality is, unless they’ve done their inner-work and are aware enough to act Consciously, their actions may be entirely self-serving; which leaves you feeling unsupported.
It’s up to you to be your own wise, nurturing and loving inner-parent.
Remind yourself that it’s safe to be loved…
That healthy love doesn’t have to be boring…
Learn to see the signs of when you might be confusing chaos with chemistry.
You are here to be loved and cherished.
You have the capacity to step into your worth. And stretch yourself to show up powerfully in all of your relationships.
It’s time.
PS. If you’d like to learn more…
Take the short quiz to discover your unique Relationship Signature here: https://risingwoman.com/discover/
young artist moulding raw clay in art studio
Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it. ~Plato
We stand in the balance of seasons – the change from Summer to Fall and the shift of the Sun to the Southern Hemisphere. The earth, weather and our psyches are primitively linked, and we can feel this change in our bones. This is a time of year when we take stock of our lives as we enter the Fall. The Sun is currently in Virgo, which brings up issues around our habits and health, and I’m looking at this right now in my life.
I’ve started working out harder, and while it’s nice being stronger and having more energy, I like the change in my mind. Suddenly I can think more clearly and I have much more focus than I’ve had over the summer months. I like change. I’m always striving to live the most satisfying life I possible. I try to be aware of what I eat, what I watch on TV and how I spend my time. I love the eight-fold path in Buddhism; particularly finding the right type of work that fits your nature.
It takes a lot of self acceptance and discipline to make long term changes, but it is SO worth it. It comes down to envisioning the best life for yourself, and then taking steps to create it in your free time. That’s what I did. I worked a hard job as a senior Executive Assistant for 10 years, and in my spare time, after work, I studied and learned as much as I could about subjects that interested me. I spent hours training at a meditation/psychic school, learning how to hold my boundaries and be neutral when performing readings.
You can change your life if you really want to, you just need discipline and focus. You really can have whatever you want and do whatever you want as long as you are ready to transform yourself and work for it. At the beginning, you need to give yourself the latitude to make mistakes too, or to have set backs. You just need to keep going and ignore the challenges of time and other people’s motives.
If you are WILLING to commit being a better person, and having a better life, anything is possible. If you can be Open with others, Honest about yourself and intentions, and WILLING to create change, you can do anything. Find the right support and willingness, and you will find a better version of yourself. Practice the art of self-awareness and mindfulness, because being a better person comes from discipline in our habits, not submitting perpetually to our animal natures (valid as they may be).
Many people say they want something, but very few are WILLING to do whatever it takes to change. I always ask myself what are you WILLING to do, what are you WILLING to give up? How bad do you want it?
“People who lose their parents early in life are like fellow war veterans. As soon as they discover that they are talking to someone else who has lost a parent, they know they are speaking the same language without uttering a word.” – Pamela Thomas
“Fatherless Daughter Syndrome” (colloquially known as “daddy issues”) is an emotional disorder that stems from issues with trust and lack of self esteem that leads to a cycle of repeated dysfunctional decisions in relationships with men. It can last a woman’s entire lifetime if the symptoms go unacknowledged and ignored.”
“Growing Up Without a Dad Shapes Who You Are” by McKenna Meyers
“It took six decades, but I can finally utter a huge truth that caused me tremendous shame and sadness: My father didn’t love me. I never spoke that deep, dark secret, but it was always festering inside of me. It manifested itself in many ways throughout my life as I struggled with a food obsession, low self-esteem, social anxiety, and depression.
Whether a dad was present but rejecting like mine or walked away from his fatherly duties entirely, his absence leaves an indelible mark on a daughter’s psyche as she grows into adulthood.
Below, you’ll find six ways a daughter may be affected by an uninvolved dad.
According to Deborah Moskovitch, an author and divorce consultant, kids often blame themselves when dad leaves the home and becomes less involved in their lives. When they aren’t given an explanation about why dad left, they make up their own scenario and jump to the conclusion that it’s their fault and that they’re unlovable.
This is especially true for daughters. Countless studies have shown that fatherlessness has an extremely negative impact on daughters’ self esteem. Her confidence in her own abilities and value as a human being can be greatly diminished if her father isn’t there. Academically, personally, professionally, physically, socially, and romantically, a woman’s self esteem is diminished in every setting if she did not form a healthy relationship with her father
According to Pamela Thomas, author of Fatherless Daughters (a book that examines how women cope with the loss of a father via death or divorce), women who grew up with absent dads find it difficult to form lasting relationships. Because they were scarred by their dad’s rejection of them, they don’t want to risk getting hurt again. Consciously or unconsciously, they avoid getting close to people. They may form superficial relationships in which they reveal little of themselves and put very little effort into getting to know others. They may become promiscuous as a way of getting male attention without becoming too emotionally involved.
Ever since childhood, I’ve built walls around myself. I didn’t open up to people. I didn’t ask questions about their families, jobs, or hobbies. I kept my life private, and I remained socially isolated. These were all self-protective measures so I wouldn’t experience rejection like I did with my dad. Knowing this intellectually did nothing to help me change my behavior because my fear of rejection was more powerful than my desire to make connections.
In their book The Parent’s Guide to Eating Disorders, the authors Marcia Herrin and Nancy Matsumoto write eloquently about the fact that girls with physically or emotionally absent fathers are at greater risk of developing eating disorders. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia, binge-eating, body dysmorphia, unhealthy preoccupations with food or body weight, and other eating disorders are all more likely if a girl does not have a father figure as she’s growing up. Daughters without dads are also twice as likely to be obese. Because her longing to have a close relationship with her dad is denied, she may develop what Margo Maine (author of Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters, & Food) calls “father hunger,” a deep emptiness and a profound insecurity. Daughters are left wondering: What’s so wrong with me that my own father doesn’t love me? If I looked different—if I was thin—would I earn daddy’s love?
I’ve struggled with “father hunger” throughout my life—stuffing my face to fill the void, dieting to get model-thin, and always obsessing about food. My days have been filled with thoughts of eating—either doing it or struggling mightily not to. When I accepted that my dad didn’t love me and that he was an unhappy man with deep-rooted problems, I finally started eating normally and began maintaining a healthy weight. I began treating myself in a loving way by exercising, gardening, reading, walking in the woods, and spending time with family. For the first time in my life, I only thought about food when I was truly hungry. This freed me to enjoy my life in so many wonderful ways.
Not surprisingly, girls who grew up with dads who were emotionally or physically absent are more likely to struggle with depression as adults. Because they fear abandonment and rejection, these women often isolate themselves emotionally. They avoid healthy romantic relationships because they don’t feel deserving and fear getting hurt, but they might jump into unhealthy relationships that ultimately lead to heartbreak. In either scenario, the women are in emotional peril and frequently become depressed. If they don’t deal with the cause of their sadness—an absent dad—they may never be able to develop healthy relationships with men.
To top it all off, data suggests that children without fathers are more than twice as likely to commit suicide.
According to Denna Babul and Karin Louise, authors of The Fatherless Daughter Project, it’s helpful to simply realize that we’re not alone. In fact, one in three women see themselves as fatherless and struggle with feelings of abandonment. Knowing this fact helps us see that there’s a whole sisterhood out there who share a common pain and a need to connect. When we open up and share our journey, we help both ourselves and each other. Whether we feel the loss of a dad through death, divorce, drug addiction, estrangement, or emotional neglect, we must grieve in order to move forward. Read Five Steps to Heal Her Pain: How a Fatherless Daughter Can Move On From Her Dad’s Rejection for ideas on how to avoid falling into depression. A gifted therapist can be key to helping us do just that and becoming happier people.
Studies have shown the many benefits that come from a strong father-daughter bond. Most notably, girls who are close to their dads are less likely to get pregnant as teens. They delay engaging in sexual relationships, wait longer to get married and have children, and when they do find a husband, their marriages are more emotionally satisfying, stable, and long-lasting.
Countless studies also show that women who have unstable or absent paternal relationships are more likely to start having sex earlier and engage risky sexual behaviors. Daughters are four times more likely to get pregnant as a teen if dad isn’t in the picture. Studies show that more than 70% of unplanned teenage pregnancies occur in homes where there is no father.
As with depression, eating disorders, and low self esteem, the absence of a father can trap a daughter in a negative repetitive pattern she can’t easily break out of and turn to drugs to self-medicate and help numb the pain. She is more likely to find herself trapped in a cycle of substance abuse, for example. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Not only are kids in father-absent households about four times more likely to be poor (which can trigger many negative cycles), fatherless adolescents were found to be 69% more likely to use drugs and 76% more likely to commit crimes.
Try as I might, I was never been able to get any traction, always making a mess of this or that and never able to form long-lasting friendships. I rejected happiness because I never felt worthy of it. I did so much to sabotage my life and make myself miserable.
Then last year my older sister revealed to me that she, too, had felt unloved by him. I immediately felt enormous relief and then great euphoria. I realized it had never been about me—that I was bad, ugly, stupid and undeserving. It had always been about him—his unhappy childhood, his cold mother, his negative nature, and his dissatisfaction with being a husband and father. It had never been about me…never.
I could finally shout: “You were a piece of crap and now I’m done with you! I’m not your prisoner any more!”
According to Caitlin Marvaso, AMFT, a grief counselor and therapist, to recover from a father’s abandonment, a woman “must learn how to father herself, hold herself, and receive the type of love a father provides. It is a lifelong process, but with the proper support, tools, and patience, it is totally possible. That being said, the grief and pain never goes away, it just changes.”
A daughter whose father abandoned her can grow, thrive, learn, excel, succeed, love and be loved, and live a wonderful life when she realizes that the problem isn’t her, it’s him. This is the first step toward healing.
“Fatherless Daughter Syndrome” (colloquially known as “daddy issues”) is an emotional disorder that stems from issues with trust and lack of self esteem that leads to a cycle of repeated dysfunctional decisions in relationships with men. It can last a woman’s entire lifetime if the symptoms go unacknowledged and ignored.
Does the Reason Affect the Result of Fatherlessness?
Half of the daughters in the US self-identify as having no father in their lives, but the reasons for that fatherlessness vary. Approximately 28% lost their connection to their dads via divorce or separation, while 26% cite emotional absence as the reason for the estrangement. 19% lost their fathers to death, 13% to abandonment, 13% to addiction, 12% to abuse, and 4% to incarceration. 6% say they never met their father.
Certainly, a daughter whose loving dad passed away when she was 15 will be affected differently than a daughter whose father abandoned her when she was born. Unfortunately, many studies do not account for the reasons for fatherlessness.
The effects of fatherlessness can be mitigated by many factors. Daughters who were brought up in households with two moms, a loving and very-involved step parent, or participating grandparents or other extended family members will probably not experience the same lasting wounds and negative impact of a father’s abandonment.
Compared to those with healthy paternal relationships, fatherless women report…
feeling less happiness and lower levels of well-being,
higher levels of frustration, anger, and anger-related depression,
difficulty navigating the emotions of intimate relationships, and
overwhelming fears of abandonment.
To summarize, depression, suicide, eating disorders, obesity (and its effects), early sexual activity, addiction-formation, and difficulty building and holding on to loving relationships are all side-effects of an absent father.
“Women get more beautiful as they grow older. Not less.
Female youth is only prized in modern culture because it doesn’t represent as much of a threat spiritually to anyone who is frightened of divine feminine power.
As women grow and mature, they call in stronger forces of sacred feminine wisdom. They vibrate with the creative power of their stories.
They are more of a force to be reckoned with.
They see more, know more, feel more. They put up with a lot less bullshit.
When women are trained into thinking there is something fundamentally wrong with getting older, and are coerced into spending money, energy and power investing in ‘slowing the signs of ageing’, an enormous vault of divine love is lost.
Just think what would happen if all the women in the world started loving themselves even more with every year that passed.
Perhaps a total revolution would occur.~”
~Yogesh Kumar
I’d say 90% of my readings are on love life challenges. If we could stay alert and watch for these signs when we meet someone, we could save ourselves a lot of pain down the road. I think this is a pretty good list, and I hope you will find it useful. AND it applies to men AND women!!
Here’s a few of them:
By Brittany Cox
Don’t chase those who don’t seem as committed as you. If someone genuinely is interested in you or likes you it won’t be like pulling teeth to hang out or see them.
If someone tells you they’re an asshole, believe them.
I was seeing a guy who told me point blank to my face “I will break your heart as hard as I can.” My first reaction was to tell him he was a good person.
He was most certainly not a good person. He was barely capable of being an okay person. I seriously wish I could go back in time… grab Past Me by the hand, and get the hell out of there. It would saved me some major grief.
If someone thinks they are unique as in literally the only person who sees the truth about the world and society…or that you are the only one who knows the truth about the universe…or both of you together are the only woke people in the world and everyone else and other institutions are all sheep. That’s a very bad sign.
A huge red flag I’ve learned is when a man (or woman) says ‘I should come with a warning label’… or some equivalent like; I’m damaged, no one understands me, I’m dangerous/edgy, I don’t play well with others… just take them at their word and leave. It’s not worth the emotional effort to get through to them and they will constantly use it as an excuse for bad or abusive behavior.
He insisted on spending every possible moment he could with me. Every single weekend he’d stay at my place… Any time I complained about anything he said or did, I was attacking him and making him feel bad, and he would make everything my fault until I felt bad and apologized for getting mad at him.
I dated him for two years before I realized he wasn’t my responsibility and I finally broke it off with him.
When the person is never there for you. When you always have to be the one to support them and get nothing back. When someone is unable to be independent from their family and explains toxic, abusive or otherwise unacceptable behavior as “it’s just how they are”.
In both romantic relationships and friendships: inconsistency and complacency. I’ve often tried to make excuses for people who are hot/cold, who don’t keep plans or put any effort into making plans, who don’t say what they mean and mean what they say. That kind of person is fun for a drink every once in a while, but they’re nowhere to be found when you really need them.
If you get busy with work, etc for a long period of time but he doesn’t know, and still doesn’t text you. For example, when I get busy with work and my boyfriend knows, he will back off to let me focus on stuff; if he doesn’t know I’m busy and I don’t respond, he checks in on me to make sure everything is okay. I’ve dated guys who have gone two days without texting me and it wasn’t because they thought I was busy, etc, they just didn’t feel like talking to me.
He always had an excuse for why he didn’t do what he said he was going to. Always with the excuses. The excuses were barely believable which was pretty insulting too.
“The Guardian”, by Chie Yoshii.
Venus Retrograde:
October 5th at 12:04pm Pacific. 10° Scorpio. Venus has a regular cycle, and always retrogrades for 40 days.
Women in general will be effected; becoming more empowered and less tolerant of unauthentic behavior. Scorpio symbolizes the dark goddess, who appears in the Fall to face her fears. She seeks integrity and confronts injustice. This is SO visible in the US right now, with the wave of women coming forward and speaking up with their personal stories of sexual abuse.
Scorpio wants the TRUTH, and has no fear of speaking it. Scorpio is also the sign of passion, commitment, transformation, sex and death. Where Scorpio appears in our charts is where we go deep… where our passion lives.
Venus, as a planet, goddess and ideal, is much much lighter than this, so she is uncomfortable in Scorpio. She wants harmony, tea parties and courtly love. In Scorpio she travels to the underground of our personal psychologies. She has no choice but to face her fears, and embrace the reality that her love is based on. Expect fantasies to vanish, and to know the truth. If a relationship isn’t resting on a solid foundation, it might not survive the retrograde. If you are in denial or in a power struggle with your partner, it will become obvious during this time. Since Scorpio is ruled by Mars (a male sign), you will have new courage to speak your truth. The possibility for deep understanding and healing is also present.
Venus retrograde also brings old flames back into our lives. Scorpio is the sign of the dead, and the ghosts of our pasts can resurrect themselves. We might need to redo creative projects in the areas of romance, art, beauty, and music. This isn’t the time to start any new relationships, and it’s good to watch out for obsession. In Scorpio, Venus craves intimacy, but only in situations based on trust.
Venus will go direct (forward) on November 15th at 25° Libra.
from Austin Coppock:
“In addition Venus will oppose Uranus three times. Not only is the opposition a stronger aspect than the square, but Uranus is currently in a Venus-ruled sign (Taurus), and thus is much more responsive to her movements and condition.
Uranus-Venus combinations disrupt relationship structures and social relations. The two provide exactly the right spark to catalyze break ups and divorces. Even for those unions which are stronger, Uranus’ disruptive, innovative, rebellious power pushes relational rearrangements. Break ups and renegotiations are something we would expect from any Venus retrograde, but Uranus doubles down on these significations.
On the positive side, Venus and Uranus fuel artistic innovation and aesthetic experimentation, facilitate greater freedom of feeling and emotional expression. Venus will also help push through the disruptions and innovations which Uranus has planned in Taurus.”
I learned that who doesn’t look for you, doesn’t miss you.
And who doesn’t miss you doesn’t care for you…
Destiny determines who enters your life but YOU decide who stays…
Therefore, value whoever values you, and don’t treat someone as a priority if they treat you as an option.
So glad I ran into this article today! I hope it’s helpful to other people out there. I’ve been in and out of a few relationships, and when I’m alone I’ve noticed this slight twinge inside that I NEED to be part of a couple, because that’s what humans DO. I know intellectually that this isn’t the truth, but I still run into it sometimes… the following article is a good cure for that type of thinking:
Being alone is not scary, or bad, or a curse, or any other bullshit thing that people make it out to be. Being alone is also not lonely, unless you make it lonely.
Being alone is better than settling for a bunch of shitty dates that make you feel horrible about yourself or waking up next to some dude who thinks your name is Whitney when it’s not even close. Being alone is the time you have to get comfortable with yourself and that time is so important.
People get so stressed and worked up about being alone when there is no reason for it at all because being alone is as good or as bad as you make it.
Be alone until you find someone who doesn’t just say they will show up but actually shows up and shows up excited to see you. Be alone until you find someone who doesn’t make endless excuses and actually wants to spend time with you doing the things you want to do.
Be alone until you find someone who talks about you and who talks you up to their friends, or family, or coworkers, or the homeless dude on the street corner – literally anyone. Be alone until you find someone who is proud as hell to show you off because anything less than that is bullshit.
Be alone until you find someone who can’t wait to see you but not in an overbearing pushy, controlling manner but in an “I care about you” manner because yes, there is a difference between the two. And no, being with someone who controls you is not cool.
Be alone until you find someone who is proud of you, who inspires you, who wants you to be better and wants to help you get there. Be alone until you find someone who erases your insecurities and makes you feel good in your own skin. Be alone until you find someone who puts you first and makes you feel like a priority because you don’t have time to be an option.
Be alone until you find someone who actually gives a shit about you. So many people settle for mediocre relationships with lame ass people – don’t be one of those people. Love is the one thing you should never, ever settle for.
Until then – be alone. You will thank yourself for doing so.”
elizabeth rose psychic and tarot 