Tag Archives: alcoholicfather

Father’s Day with no Dad

Sharing an excellent post from Will Wheaton today. He grew up, as I did, in a dysfunctional home, and presents some strong insights in this article:
No Child Deserves to be treated the way the man who was my father treated me

“I wrote this two years ago, and a lot of my fellow survivors said it was helpful to them, so I reposted it last year. I heard the same thing, so I’m reposting it this year.

To all my fellow children of shitty fathers, I see you, I love you, and I’m so sorry we’re in this club we don’t want to be in.

“Today is hard for me. I see pretty much everyone I know celebrating their awesome dads, who loved them unconditionally, the way a child deserves to be loved. I see them sharing memories of time spent with their dad, which I never got, because the man who was my father never made the effort. I’m doing my best to focus on how happy my friends are, and how lucky their children are, but it’s really hard for me to do that without feeling the massive black void where my father’s love and affection should be.

“I want today to be a reminder of all the joy my own kids have brought me. I want to celebrate my own existence as a dad, to stand up and say that I did the work, I broke the cycle. I am not the selfish bully I had the misfortune of being born to. I’m a good man, and a good father. I love my sons, and we have a close and loving relationship. We don’t need a Hallmark holiday to celebrate and acknowledge the love we share, and my wife and kids know what a bastard my father was, so they’ve never imposed a celebration on me. But it still feels good when my boys call me their dad, and it still feels good when they tell me they love me. Being their dad is such a privilege, and I choose, every day, to be grateful for it.

“Today, I’m going to make a deliberate choice to focus on my own children, my own experiences being the dad I never had, and I’m going to give a very special shoutout to my fellow children of bastards, who have the same complicated relationship with fatherhood that I have. This is a tough day for us, and if you grok what I’m saying, I’m so sorry. I see you, and I know.”

One sided relationships

I’ve had a few one-sided relationships in my life, and of course it all started with my relationship with my alcoholic father. When I saw this picture from the “Rising Woman” website, it really reminded me of growing up with a distant father. Seems like many kids who grew up in the 70’s experienced the same thing.

My dad had very low self esteem, and no tools to manage his emotions. The only thing he knew to do was drink and create emotional and physical distance from people. When my Mom left him in 1969, he punished her by emotionally abandoning me. The result was I had difficulty trusting men, and would usually choose someone who was a workaholic, heavy drinker, physically compromised or burdened with responsibilities.

Thanks to my work in programs like Alanon, I’ve been able to work through a lot of these issues. Alanon is free and available to anyone dealing with an alcoholic or addict. I highly recommend it! Here’s more information from Rising Woman about one sided relationships with romantic partners:

“Ever find yourself clinging to a one-sided relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner?

A good question to ask when we notice this is:

“What part of me is it that wants this so badly?”

Sometimes it’s our most wounded self… or our “child-self” that takes over and gets caught in the pain and fear of not being chosen.

… The fear of being abandoned.

Our emotions are powerful. And to become more Conscious and self-loving… It’s our job to learn how to listen to our emotions and act from a place of self-worth.

(Rather than react out of discomfort.)

We often simply mask our discomfort to avoid feeling abandoned, unloved, or unworthy, without really going to the root cause.

We’re temporarily soothing ourselves with a chase… or giving ourselves away in dead-end relationships.

… But we’re not actually getting what we want or what we deserve from a relationship.

If they say they can’t commit – Believe them.

If they tell you they aren’t ready – Believe them.

If they say “I like you, but I’m selfish” – Believe them.

People don’t necessarily want to hurt us, but the reality is, unless they’ve done their inner-work and are aware enough to act Consciously, their actions may be entirely self-serving; which leaves you feeling unsupported.

It’s up to you to be your own wise, nurturing and loving inner-parent.

Remind yourself that it’s safe to be loved…

That healthy love doesn’t have to be boring…

Learn to see the signs of when you might be confusing chaos with chemistry.

You are here to be loved and cherished.

You have the capacity to step into your worth. And stretch yourself to show up powerfully in all of your relationships.

It’s time.

PS. If you’d like to learn more…

Take the short quiz to discover your unique Relationship Signature here: https://risingwoman.com/discover/