Tag Archives: alcoholism

One sided relationships

I’ve had a few one-sided relationships in my life, and of course it all started with my relationship with my alcoholic father. When I saw this picture from the “Rising Woman” website, it really reminded me of growing up with a distant father. Seems like many kids who grew up in the 70’s experienced the same thing.

My dad had very low self esteem, and no tools to manage his emotions. The only thing he knew to do was drink and create emotional and physical distance from people. When my Mom left him in 1969, he punished her by emotionally abandoning me. The result was I had difficulty trusting men, and would usually choose someone who was a workaholic, heavy drinker, physically compromised or burdened with responsibilities.

Thanks to my work in programs like Alanon, I’ve been able to work through a lot of these issues. Alanon is free and available to anyone dealing with an alcoholic or addict. I highly recommend it! Here’s more information from Rising Woman about one sided relationships with romantic partners:

“Ever find yourself clinging to a one-sided relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner?

A good question to ask when we notice this is:

“What part of me is it that wants this so badly?”

Sometimes it’s our most wounded self… or our “child-self” that takes over and gets caught in the pain and fear of not being chosen.

… The fear of being abandoned.

Our emotions are powerful. And to become more Conscious and self-loving… It’s our job to learn how to listen to our emotions and act from a place of self-worth.

(Rather than react out of discomfort.)

We often simply mask our discomfort to avoid feeling abandoned, unloved, or unworthy, without really going to the root cause.

We’re temporarily soothing ourselves with a chase… or giving ourselves away in dead-end relationships.

… But we’re not actually getting what we want or what we deserve from a relationship.

If they say they can’t commit – Believe them.

If they tell you they aren’t ready – Believe them.

If they say “I like you, but I’m selfish” – Believe them.

People don’t necessarily want to hurt us, but the reality is, unless they’ve done their inner-work and are aware enough to act Consciously, their actions may be entirely self-serving; which leaves you feeling unsupported.

It’s up to you to be your own wise, nurturing and loving inner-parent.

Remind yourself that it’s safe to be loved…

That healthy love doesn’t have to be boring…

Learn to see the signs of when you might be confusing chaos with chemistry.

You are here to be loved and cherished.

You have the capacity to step into your worth. And stretch yourself to show up powerfully in all of your relationships.

It’s time.

PS. If you’d like to learn more…

Take the short quiz to discover your unique Relationship Signature here: https://risingwoman.com/discover/

Loneliness during the Holidays

31tmag-witches-jumbo

Gertrude Abercrombie’s “The Stroll” (1943). Credit Credit Oil on fiberboard, Smithsonian American Art Museum, Gift of the Gertrude Abercrombie Trust

Loneliness is a worthy foe, and with the rise of social media, most of us are suffering from it in some form – especially this time of year. It’s easy to feel isolated in tense family situations or even parties.

Striving for connection along with a healthy dose of self-care will get you through the season.”

So how do we cope? I’m glad I ran across this article today. It has some fantastic actions we can take to combat loneliness, especially this time of year. Along with the list from the article, I would add these things:

Encourage Friendships

Having a social life and human connection is important for us to thrive in our lives. A lot of people are shy about reaching out, or inviting people to do things. Do It!! Same sex friendships are particularly important in my opinion. If you have trouble meeting people then volunteer for something you care about…. and/or get a pet.

Having Pets

Animals are awesome. If you don’t, or can’t,  have one, volunteering at the local shelter is a great way to interact cats and dogs, and to be of service at the same time!

Go to a Gym

It took me awhile to build up to it, but now I go three times a week. Working out keeps my blood moving and my endorphins running. I think more clearly, and I’m able to make better decisions. And I have more energy. Exercise is the best thing for everyone.

Limit Alcohol

I’m personally sober since 2005, but if I wasn’t I would severely limit alcohol and stay away from drugs. In my experience these things end up making loneliness much worse.

Limit Sugar

This time of year is next-to-impossible to eat right, but I SO stay away from eating sugar. It keeps my blood sugar steady throughout that day so there’s less moodiness.

Good Night’s Sleep

I strive to get a good night’s sleep every night – which means eight solid hours in a dark, cool room.

Practice Gratitude

List ten things you’re grateful for when you feel low and it will completely change your thinking and mood.

Walk in Nature

I take a walk in nature everyday with my dog. Looking at trees, grass, and feeling the warmth of the sun brings me lots of joy.

Be Creative

It doesn’t matter if you’re good at it. You’ll probably improve as you go along anyway. I’ve taken multiple creative paths and it feels so good to create something. Write something or pick up and instrument… or a pen!

Be of Service

Get out and be of service to people. Being of service in some way is crucial.

Get a New Job

I know from experience, if you’re unhappy with your job, you HAVE to make a change. Life is too short and we spend too much time there. Anyone can do it. Make a plan, get some training or education, and DO WHAT YOU LOVE.

The Three Types of Trauma that lead to Addiction

boy

Excellent article. This is why it’s so important to treat an addict or alcoholic with respect, love and care, and to encourage them to get HELP.

Trauma is not your fault, but healing IS your responsibility.

“Did you know that those who experience something traumatic during their childhood are seven to 10 times more likely to abuse substances?”

“What are the leading causes of addiction? Could it be hereditary? What about peer pressure, poverty, or toxic stress? All of these can play a role, but there is another factor that is known to have a bigger impact.

You may have heard stories of those who have suffered from some sort of trauma ending up abusing drugs or alcohol. This is actually a lot more common than some may think. In fact, 75% of men and women who receive treatment for substance abuse report histories of abuse and trauma.

Physical or sexual violence occurring during childhood, neglect, and veterans who are diagnosed with PTSD are just a few scenarios that most of us have heard of before.
Many have “taken the edge off” after a stressful day of work before, so it makes sense that people who have suffered from some sort of traumatic event use drugs or alcohol to help numb their pain.

Unresolved Traumatic Events from Childhood Can Hinder Long-Term Recovery

Childhood trauma can be so impactful, even years after the abuse or neglect ends, because a child’s brain is still in development. The frequent and high levels of stress that occur while a child experiences something traumatic can impede brain development. Results from multiple studies have proven that this level of stress causes victims of childhood trauma to be more vulnerable to substance abuse in adulthood.

Experiencing physical or sexual violence, neglect, or other forms of abuse can affect anyone at any age. But these traumatic events imprint children differently. It’s much more impactful for children because they rely on their parents or other members of their family that they trust for guidance and protection. If these family members abuse that trust and are the cause of trauma for the child, they no longer have a support system that they desperately need.

Creating this foundation of toxic stress and trauma while a child’s brain is still developing basically wires their brain differently, and makes it much more difficult to grow and function normally as a child, and later on in adulthood.

It makes sense that an adult would feel anxiety, shame, and sorrow after going through something traumatic as a child, right? Survivors of childhood trauma usually need comfort, and sometimes that source of comfort is drugs or alcohol.

Another serious issue you may not be familiar with is how likely it is for veterans to be addicted to anxiety or pain medications, which are normally prescribed for PTSD diagnoses. Veterans can become addicted to medications like OxyContin, Vicodin, Xanax, and Ambien. These drugs can offer an escape from the trauma they’re still experiencing in their minds, but is not a healthy way to cope with it. If an addiction has developed along with PTSD, it’s called a dual diagnosis and it’s important to reach out to a professional that treats both the PTSD and the addiction.”