Category Archives: LOVE

different relationship needs of men and women

This is so insightful about men’s and women’s different needs in relationships… what do you guys think?

 … from alarajrogers

 

“Oh my God this actually explains so much.

So there’s a known thing in the study of human psychology/sociology/what-have-you where men are known to, on average, rely entirely on their female romantic partner for emotional support. Bonding with other men is done at a more superficial level involving fun group activities and conversations about general subjects but rarely involves actually leaning on other men or being really honest about emotional problems. Men use alcohol to be able to lower their inhibitions enough to expose themselves emotionally to other men, but if you can’t get emotional support unless you’re drunk, you have a problem.

So men need to have a woman in their lives to have anyone they can share their emotional needs and vulnerabilities with. However, since women are not socialized to fear sharing these things, women’s friendships with other women are heavily based on emotional support. If you can’t lean on her when you’re weak, she’s not your friend. To women, what friendship is is someone who listens to all your problems and keeps you company.

So this disconnect men are suffering from is that they think that only a person who is having sex with you will share their emotions and expect support. That’s what a romantic partner does. But women think that’s what a friend does. So women do it for their romantic partners and their friends and expect a male friend to do it for them the same as a female friend would. This fools the male friend into thinking there must be something romantic there when there is not.

This here is an example of patriarchy hurting everyone. Women have a much healthier approach to emotional support – they don’t die when widowed at nearly the rate that widowers die and they don’t suffer emotionally from divorce nearly as much even though they suffer much more financially, and this is because women don’t put all their emotional needs on one person. Women have a support network of other women. But men are trained to never share their emotions except with their wife or girlfriend, because that isn’t manly. So when she dies or leaves them, they have no one to turn to to help with the grief, causing higher rates of death, depression, alcoholism and general awfulness upon losing a romantic partner.

So men suffer terribly from being trained in this way. But women suffer in that they can’t reach out to male friends for basic friendship. I am not sure any man can comprehend how heartbreaking it is to realize that a guy you thought was your friend was really just trying to get into your pants. Friendship is real. It’s emotional, it’s important to us. We lean on our friends. Knowing that your friend was secretly seething with resentment when you were opening up to him and sharing your problems because he felt like he shouldn’t have to do that kind of emotional work for anyone not having sex with him, and he felt used by you for that reason, is horrible. And the fact that men can’t share emotional needs with other men means that lots of men who can’t get a girlfriend end up turning into horrible misogynistic people who think the world owes them the love of a woman, like it’s a commodity… because no one will die without sex. Masturbation exists. But people will die or suffer deep emotional trauma from having no one they can lean on emotionally. And men who are suffering deep emotional trauma, and have been trained to channel their personal trauma into rage because they can’t share it, become mass shooters, or rapists, or simply horrible misogynists.

The only way to fix this is to teach boys it’s okay to love your friends. It’s okay to share your needs and your problems with your friends. It’s okay to lean on your friends, to hug your friends, to be weak with your friends. Only if this is okay for boys to do with their male friends can this problem be resolved… so men, this one’s on you. Women can’t fix this for you; you don’t listen to us about matters of what it means to be a man. Fix your own shit and teach your brothers and sons and friends that this is okay, or everyone suffers.”

 

Love inSight

So glad I ran into this article today! I hope it’s helpful to other people out there. I’ve been in and out of a few relationships, and when I’m alone I’ve noticed this slight twinge inside that I NEED to be part of a couple, because that’s what humans DO. I know intellectually that this isn’t the truth, but I still run into it sometimes… the following article is a good cure for that type of thinking:

respect

“Be Alone Until You Find Someone Who Actually Gives A Shit About You

Article: http://thoughtcatalog.com/becca-martin/2017/06/be-alone-until-you-find-someone-who-actually-gives-a-crap-about-you/

Being alone is not scary, or bad, or a curse, or any other bullshit thing that people make it out to be. Being alone is also not lonely, unless you make it lonely.

Being alone is better than settling for a bunch of shitty dates that make you feel horrible about yourself or waking up next to some dude who thinks your name is Whitney when it’s not even close. Being alone is the time you have to get comfortable with yourself and that time is so important.

People get so stressed and worked up about being alone when there is no reason for it at all because being alone is as good or as bad as you make it.

Be alone until you find someone who doesn’t just say they will show up but actually shows up and shows up excited to see you. Be alone until you find someone who doesn’t make endless excuses and actually wants to spend time with you doing the things you want to do.

Be alone until you find someone who talks about you and who talks you up to their friends, or family, or coworkers, or the homeless dude on the street corner – literally anyone. Be alone until you find someone who is proud as hell to show you off because anything less than that is bullshit.

Be alone until you find someone who can’t wait to see you but not in an overbearing pushy, controlling manner but in an “I care about you” manner because yes, there is a difference between the two. And no, being with someone who controls you is not cool.

Be alone until you find someone you actually want to spend your free time with not someone you’re convincing yourself you like or worse – someone you have to convince to like you. Someone whose attention you have to beg for is not someone who is worth your time. If someone likes you, you will know otherwise it’s time to let them go and focus more on yourself.Be alone until you find someone who misses you when you’re not around, not someone who forgets you exist on the weekends unless they’re drunk and lonely. Be alone until you find someone who actually gives a shit about the way you feel. Not someone who says “oh well, you’ll forgive me later” or just expects you to get over it. Be alone until you find someone who doesn’t ghost you or leave you hanging more often than not.

Be alone until you find someone who is proud of you, who inspires you, who wants you to be better and wants to help you get there. Be alone until you find someone who erases your insecurities and makes you feel good in your own skin. Be alone until you find someone who puts you first and makes you feel like a priority because you don’t have time to be an option.

Be alone until you find someone who actually gives a shit about you. So many people settle for mediocre relationships with lame ass people – don’t be one of those people. Love is the one thing you should never, ever settle for.

Until then – be alone. You will thank yourself for doing so.”

Happy Valentine’s Day

I LOVE this day… relationship or not. I just LOVE LOVE.

To everyone out there, have a wonderful Valentine’s Day ♥

I also believe this is true:

“It is Almost Certain that Between Friends There is at All Times, a Silent Communication, a Sort of Unconscious Mental Conversation Going on Subjectively when This Rises to the Surface of Conscious Intelligence, it is Called Mental Telepathy. The Communication with Others is Going On at All Times, whether the Conscious Mind is Aware of the Fact or Not. We are Always Receiving Impressions that are More or Less Vague, and It is Seldom They Come to the Surface; but They are There Nevertheless and are Gradually Building into Our Mentalities Impressions and Forms of Thought that are Unconscious and Silently Perceived.”

~ Ernest Shurtleff Holmes, The Science of the Mind: Subjective Communication (1926)

vibe

Why you will marry the wrong person

 

EXCELLENT article about partnership from the New York Times.

Credit: Marion Fayolle
Article: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?_r=0

“IT’S one of the things we are most afraid might happen to us. We go to great lengths to avoid it. And yet we do it all the same: We marry the wrong person.

Partly, it’s because we have a bewildering array of problems that emerge when we try to get close to others. We seem normal only to those who don’t know us very well. In a wiser, more self-aware society than our own, a standard question on any early dinner date would be: “And how are you crazy?”

Perhaps we have a latent tendency to get furious when someone disagrees with us or can relax only when we are working; perhaps we’re tricky about intimacy after sex or clam up in response to humiliation. Nobody’s perfect. The problem is that before marriage, we rarely delve into our complexities. Whenever casual relationships threaten to reveal our flaws, we blame our partners and call it a day. As for our friends, they don’t care enough to do the hard work of enlightening us. One of the privileges of being on our own is therefore the sincere impression that we are really quite easy to live with.

Our partners are no more self-aware. Naturally, we make a stab at trying to understand them. We visit their families. We look at their photos, we meet their college friends. All this contributes to a sense that we’ve done our homework. We haven’t. Marriage ends up as a hopeful, generous, infinitely kind gamble taken by two people who don’t know yet who they are or who the other might be, binding themselves to a future they cannot conceive of and have carefully avoided investigating.

For most of recorded history, people married for logical sorts of reasons: because her parcel of land adjoined yours, his family had a flourishing business, her father was the magistrate in town, there was a castle to keep up, or both sets of parents subscribed to the same interpretation of a holy text. And from such reasonable marriages, there flowed loneliness, infidelity, abuse, hardness of heart and screams heard through the nursery doors. The marriage of reason was not, in hindsight, reasonable at all; it was often expedient, narrow-minded, snobbish and exploitative. That is why what has replaced it — the marriage of feeling — has largely been spared the need to account for itself.

What matters in the marriage of feeling is that two people are drawn to each other by an overwhelming instinct and know in their hearts that it is right. Indeed, the more imprudent a marriage appears (perhaps it’s been only six months since they met; one of them has no job or both are barely out of their teens), the safer it can feel. Recklessness is taken as a counterweight to all the errors of reason, that catalyst of misery, that accountant’s demand. The prestige of instinct is the traumatized reaction against too many centuries of unreasonable reason.

But though we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood. The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes. How logical, then, that we should as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy.

We make mistakes, too, because we are so lonely. No one can be in an optimal frame of mind to choose a partner when remaining single feels unbearable. We have to be wholly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to be appropriately picky; otherwise, we risk loving no longer being single rather more than we love the partner who spared us that fate.

Finally, we marry to make a nice feeling permanent. We imagine that marriage will help us to bottle the joy we felt when the thought of proposing first came to us: Perhaps we were in Venice, on the lagoon, in a motorboat, with the evening sun throwing glitter across the sea, chatting about aspects of our souls no one ever seemed to have grasped before, with the prospect of dinner in a risotto place a little later. We married to make such sensations permanent but failed to see that there was no solid connection between these feelings and the institution of marriage.

Indeed, marriage tends decisively to move us onto another, very different and more administrative plane, which perhaps unfolds in a suburban house, with a long commute and maddening children who kill the passion from which they emerged. The only ingredient in common is the partner. And that might have been the wrong ingredient to bottle.

The good news is that it doesn’t matter if we find we have married the wrong person.

We mustn’t abandon him or her, only the founding Romantic idea upon which the Western understanding of marriage has been based the last 250 years: that a perfect being exists who can meet all our needs and satisfy our every yearning.

WE need to swap the Romantic view for a tragic (and at points comedic) awareness that every human will frustrate, anger, annoy, madden and disappoint us — and we will (without any malice) do the same to them. There can be no end to our sense of emptiness and incompleteness. But none of this is unusual or grounds for divorce. Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for.

This philosophy of pessimism offers a solution to a lot of distress and agitation around marriage. It might sound odd, but pessimism relieves the excessive imaginative pressure that our romantic culture places upon marriage. The failure of one particular partner to save us from our grief and melancholy is not an argument against that person and no sign that a union deserves to fail or be upgraded.

The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.

Romanticism has been unhelpful to us; it is a harsh philosophy. It has made a lot of what we go through in marriage seem exceptional and appalling. We end up lonely and convinced that our union, with its imperfections, is not “normal.” We should learn to accommodate ourselves to “wrongness,” striving always to adopt a more forgiving, humorous and kindly perspective on its multiple examples in ourselves and in our partners.

Are You A Giver Or A Pleaser?

Excellent reflection on codependency, which I’ve also suffered from. My personal solution has been to stay PRESENT with myself, and to be clear about my motivations. I’d love to hear your thoughts in my comments section.

“Unfortunately when we live like this nobody wins because we lie to ourselves and those around us; and superficial dishonest relationships don’t last.”