To a young woman seeking the right young man:
So many believe that love is a romance; that it is something into which you fall, suddenly, effortlessly.
Let me tell you what is true love.
Two people live together, care for each other, weather the storms together
—and one day they discover they cannot live without one another.
That is love.
Don’t fall in love. Create love.
I’ve had a few one-sided relationships in my life, and of course it all started with my relationship with my alcoholic father. When I saw this picture from the “Rising Woman” website, it really reminded me of growing up with a distant father. Seems like many kids who grew up in the 70’s experienced the same thing.
My dad had very low self esteem, and no tools to manage his emotions. The only thing he knew to do was drink and create emotional and physical distance from people. When my Mom left him in 1969, he punished her by emotionally abandoning me. The result was I had difficulty trusting men, and would usually choose someone who was a workaholic, heavy drinker, physically compromised or burdened with responsibilities.
Thanks to my work in programs like Alanon, I’ve been able to work through a lot of these issues. Alanon is free and available to anyone dealing with an alcoholic or addict. I highly recommend it! Here’s more information from Rising Woman about one sided relationships with romantic partners:
“Ever find yourself clinging to a one-sided relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner?
A good question to ask when we notice this is:
“What part of me is it that wants this so badly?”
Sometimes it’s our most wounded self… or our “child-self” that takes over and gets caught in the pain and fear of not being chosen.
… The fear of being abandoned.
Our emotions are powerful. And to become more Conscious and self-loving… It’s our job to learn how to listen to our emotions and act from a place of self-worth.
(Rather than react out of discomfort.)
We often simply mask our discomfort to avoid feeling abandoned, unloved, or unworthy, without really going to the root cause.
We’re temporarily soothing ourselves with a chase… or giving ourselves away in dead-end relationships.
… But we’re not actually getting what we want or what we deserve from a relationship.
If they say they can’t commit – Believe them.
If they tell you they aren’t ready – Believe them.
If they say “I like you, but I’m selfish” – Believe them.
People don’t necessarily want to hurt us, but the reality is, unless they’ve done their inner-work and are aware enough to act Consciously, their actions may be entirely self-serving; which leaves you feeling unsupported.
It’s up to you to be your own wise, nurturing and loving inner-parent.
Remind yourself that it’s safe to be loved…
That healthy love doesn’t have to be boring…
Learn to see the signs of when you might be confusing chaos with chemistry.
You are here to be loved and cherished.
You have the capacity to step into your worth. And stretch yourself to show up powerfully in all of your relationships.
It’s time.
PS. If you’d like to learn more…
Take the short quiz to discover your unique Relationship Signature here: https://risingwoman.com/discover/
“THE MAN WHO WALKS WITH THE HEALER~
When a man chooses a woman who follows her calling, his only chance to maintain the connection is in following her… and above all in creating space for her to follow her own path.
It may happen that he needs to abandon his own neediness, or that he finds a means of healing through their common path – but not in the gentlest manner.
When a man chooses a woman who heals the collective wounds of the women by following her calling, his Yes for her equals a Yes to a bigger purpose far beyond building a house or raising children. Their connection goes beyond fulfilling the classical gender role models.
For this man accepts the job of having the back of this woman, of catching her when she cannot transform the pain of the world anymore. It means for him to welcome a different form of sexuality, since healing on the level of sexuality is one of the most profound issues of the woman who needs to become a healer.
For him this, again, is about welcoming slowness, softness and healing – about holding back or redirecting his own drive… about being present for the whole.
Because when a man chooses a woman who aims for freedom, they can only achieve this together… and by him leaving his narcissistic aspects behind and recognizing the path of the woman as his own path towards freedom.
When a man chooses a woman who is bigger, he cannot dwell in the places of energies of oppression or of playing small. He – if he chooses to take on this mission with her – accepts a task serving the well-being of all men, even though it happens in the background. Within this background he creates space of security, of keeping her safe from an ambush bred by his own old wounds, driving her into submission.
When a man chooses a woman out of his fascination with her radiance and wisdom, it must be obvious to him that he cannot be stuck within his own deficits in a way that makes him want to diminish her radiance… purely out of fear of having to share her with others.
When a man chooses a woman who follows her calling, he cannot fear these words: respect, humility and surrender. He will rather walk the path of divinity – alongside his woman, the healer – with gratitude and an overflowing heart.
For such a woman will choose – if she ever needs to choose – in favour of the well-being of all women …and she will choose walking her path alone instead of leaving it for him. Nevertheless, she is aware of the power that lies in the presence of a man who is beating the drums… for her.”
~ Moksha Devi Sunshine
Excellent post by Kathrine Meraki in The Ascent!
Here’s the full article: https://medium.com/the-ascent/this-is-why-your-brain-thinks-dating-a-secure-person-is-boring-ce24487c8fa4
…”when you meet and date a secure person, something just doesn’t feel quite right. Despite the fact they’re comfortable with emotions, don’t play games and don’t keep you guessing…
You still can’t put your finger on this something.
Well, it’s likely you… not them.
Your brain tricking you, don’t fall for it if you want a secure relationship.
Here’s why dating a secure person feels boring………..
“Mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness … even for people who love each other greatly.” — Amir Levine
When you’ve got two insecurely attached people in a relationship, it creates an addictive pattern.
Let’s say you’ve got an avoidant person and an anxious person, and they’re dating.
In this situation, the anxious person might begin feeling like they’ve done something wrong. Their heart rate goes up; they might feel sweaty and stressed out.
They grab their phone and write a long message to the person. They’re breathing rapidly, and they’re nervous about sending the text.
They just want to fix what they’ve done and make things ‘right’ again. Maybe they try and use sex to do this, I did.
Amir Levine said:
“The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love.”
And if the avoidant person replies or tries to get in touch again, the anxious person feels relieved.
Endorphins rush through their body and brain. The pain in their stomach dissolves, “phew,” they let out a sigh.
It’s like a heroin user getting their fix.
Only this time, the anxious person will walk on eggshells. They’ll stuff their wants and needs down.
It always comes back up again, though, which scares the other person away. And the pattern repeats itself until one person backs away for good.
“You are absolutely worthy of love. You are made of love and you don’t need someone to trigger you into it by their unavailability.” — Damien Bohler
When you’re used to the toxic and high arousal of insecure relationships, secure people won’t give you that addictive hit. Secure people:
This can be terrifying for an insecurely attached person.
It’s not passion. It’s insecure attachment.
“In short, secure attachment is attunement. It reflects a positive-enough environment that creates and engenders basic trust.” — Diane Poole Heller
If you’re dating someone secure, the insecure part of you might feel tempted to hightail it. If you feel there’s no connection there, ask yourself:
Is this predictability activating my insecure attachment?
If you persevere and push through the discomfort, you’ll soon learn if it is insecure attachment or if you genuinely don’t have a connection.
It’s important to remember you’ve been used to ups and downs, and it might feel uncomfortable at first dating someone secure.
You might think your connection is dull and lacking passion. Here’s what a secure relationship looks like:
Dianne Pool Heller rightly said:
“As we familiarize ourselves more with secure attachment, our relationships become easier and more rewarding — we’re less reactive, more receptive, more available for connection, healthier, and much more likely to bring out the securely attached tendencies in others.”
When your partner models to you what a healthy attachment style is, you tend to follow suit. Even better if you can work on yourself too.
I’m glad I didn’t bail on my partner when I felt overwhelmed, because I wouldn’t have learned what a stable relationship is.
“We may find distant or avoidant partners alluring because their avoidance is a challenge for our ego …
We might find it more exciting to be caught up in a push-pull dynamic with someone, than to say yes to love that is readily available and healthy for us.
The excitement comes from eroticizing rejection – it feeds that part of us that still feels like have something to prove.
Prove we’re lovable or worthy. That we are so special that we can change someone’s mind or behaviour.
But that excitement you feel is also draining your energy and soul-sucking on so many levels.
When we abandon ourselves for someone who’s undeserving of our energy, our inner-child is is usually hurting deeply and feeling afraid to be alone.
It’s ok to walk away when your heart isn’t being cherished, honored or supported.
We’re all going to have days where we show up as the worst version of ourselves.
But at the end of the day, we all deserve to be with someone who we know is in our corner.
Someone who loves us on the hard days and treats the relationship as sacred.
Any time we waste chasing someone to give us love, there’s an unmet internal need for love and nurturance toward our inner-child.
You don’t need someone to reflect back your wounds without being willing to heal with you.
You don’t need someone to trigger all of your insecurities by treating you like an after-thought or avoiding intimacy.
It might feel unnatural to let go of this type of connection because you’re breaking a very old pattern … you might even find it “boring” to move towards love that doesn’t trigger you.
Don’t worry, this doesn’t make you “crazy”, it means you really want to heal.
And to heal, you have to practice letting healthy love in.
Healing occurs as you sever your addictions to shadow relationships and move toward people who hold you in your highest light.
Healing comes from doing Self-acceptance work and making the relationship with YOU and your inner-child the number one relationship in your life.
And healing occurs from understanding yourself and your true nature in relationship.”
– from risingwoman.com
“You just don’t like the answer“
EXCELLENT post by Niki Marinis:
“If he’s not asking you out often, he’s not interested in a relationship. If he only texts you when he’s bored at work, he’s not interested in a relationship. If you only hear from him in the middle of the night, he’s not interested in anything but sex.
This is also why you don’t only date HIM, you date tons of guys at the same time. Let the best man win, damn it.
What has this guy done to deserve your exclusivity? What has he done to prove to you that you should cut off all your other options?
You pressing him for a verbal answer isn’t going to make him want to be with you if he doesn’t already. It isn’t going to make you look like a confident, sexy woman, either.
A confident sexy woman is paying attention to who is paying attention to her. Period. If it’s not him, then he’s out of the running, or very low on the list.
This is YOUR love life. This is YOUR time and energy. Don’t be so eager to shove it in some random guy’s face. Stop committing to men simply because YOU like him. That doesn’t mean he likes YOU. Don’t choose him and then try to make him want you.
Stop opening the door every five seconds looking out to see who’s coming up the walk way. Be too goddamn busy to care who the fuck is coming to your door. And only open it for those who have the fucking balls to knock on it. Stop opening it and waving them in from the street.
Stop saying words. Walk the fuck away. They’ll notice that.
I was up late last night watching trash TV at the hotel my friend got to bribe me into taking her to LAX. I’m a sucker for down pillows and comforters and rooms I don’t have to clean.
She put on a show called Marrying Millions. Yep, that show exists. And I saw a perfect example of exactly what I’m talking about.
The couple is a 34 yo woman and a 29 yo millionaire entrepreneur/rapper man. They’ve been dating for a year. He got her a diamond bracelet for her birthday, not an engagement ring and she was pissed. She decided she needed to talk to him about this. (DON’T DO IT, I’m screaming at the screen)
She wants to know where this relationship is going. (yawn) She’s 34 and wants to get married and have kids and start a family.
It’s a relationship, not a business transaction. You’re dealing with an actual person with their own feelings and wants and timeline, not an inanimate object you can put anywhere you want.
He said he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her but he’s not ready to get married tomorrow. She doesn’t want to accept that. She wants a guarantee that if she waits he’ll marry her.
THAT’S NOT HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK
No one can guarantee you shit. That’s the risk you take in love. Do you love him? Then it shouldn’t matter when it happens. And pressuring him isn’t going to make it happen any sooner.
Only it did. He took her to a ring shop the next day.
But here’s the thing: her pressure didn’t make HIM any more ready to marry her. It made him afraid to lose her, sure. So she was going to get a Shut the Fuck Up ring out of fear instead of an inspired, heartfelt proposal.
She said to him, “Are you doing this because you feel like I pressured you?” And THAT’S why you don’t do this kind of shit, because you will NEVER know the truth. You will NEVER KNOW if he asked you because you pressured him or because he really wanted to.
The ONLY way to know if a man truly wants to be with you is if it’s HIS idea, HIS choice, of his own volition and not from any emotional manipulation on your part.
Isn’t that what you want? Someone who wants you because you’re you and not because you have to convince/threaten/pressure them to be with you? That screams desperate, not confident. That screams willing to settle, not you’re the best choice for me.
Work on yourself. Build your confidence, self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem.
The more you love yourself the less you’ll be willing to settle for and/or throw yourself at the next remotely passable guy who shows you basic human kindness that you confuse for romantic interest.
SPOILER: the diamond bracelet was CZs and they’re still not engaged. Shocker.
I saw the title of this article and was intrigued… it’s an interesting idea…
There are plenty of women AND men in the world who are ridiculously demanding, self absorbed and emotionally avoidant, but I don’t hear men being called “high maintenance” very often. When a woman is called “high maintenance”, it could be true, but it also might be a way of dismissing her power. Maybe a woman referred to as high maintenance, is actually high value.
It takes effort to make your life work well, to heal yourself and become a high value person. It takes a lot of work, and ANYONE can do it.
Getting your s*** together is worth it, because it helps one to thrive in life. A high value person, in my view, is someone who takes responsibility for the own happiness, makes an effort to not cause harm or hurt to others, and lives a life of honor and integrity.
It’s someone who aims to live a life in harmony with the eight fold path in Buddhism: right view, right aspiration, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration. Once this person has achieved their own happiness and stability, they try to be helpful to others and guide and support them too.
“Last time I checked, having standards doesn’t make a woman high-maintenance, it just makes her a person who knows what she wants.
It doesn’t make her a mission impossible, it just requires a bit more effort than it normally would. And putting in extra effort can be a problem to some, which is why it’s always easier to come up with excuses than it is to step up your game.
She is the kind of woman who doesn’t depend on anyone.
It’s because she knows to lean on someone in life means to be left without anything once that someone decides to walk away from her.
That’s why she takes care of herself and she makes life good for herself. She doesn’t need you to do that for her.
She’s perfectly capable of doing it on her own.
She knows her worth.
She feels good about herself and she isn’t afraid to show it. But she only feels this way because she’s worked hard on herself.
She’s aware of how much she brings to the table and she always keeps in mind that she’s more than good enough.
And there is nothing more valuable in this world than a woman who knows her worth.
She knows where she wants to be in life. And she knows how to get there too. She’s a person who constantly pushes her limits and who’s constantly trying.
She keeps working on herself. She takes care of her looks and her brains as well.
She knows what she deserves.
And she isn’t settling for anything less. That’s why she might appear as high-maintenance to some. But she is just asking for as much as she’s ready to give and that’s all.
In case you’re failing to reach her standards or win her over, perhaps it’s not the problem that she has set her standards high, but that you have your efforts set really low?
You don’t get to disrespect her.
She doesn’t let people treat her badly and she never allows other people to project their insecurities on her.
She is a high-value woman and she holds her head high. That’s why she’ll never put up with someone who tries to bring her down to feel good about himself or with someone who disrespects her.
You don’t get to treat her right only sometimes.
She wants constant effort and she deserves someone who’ll treat her right on all occasions.
She deserves someone who’ll treat her right even when she makes a mistake. She deserves someone who’ll try constantly to prove his love, his admiration and his commitment to her.
You don’t get to be mediocre.”
Read full article here
“People who lose their parents early in life are like fellow war veterans. As soon as they discover that they are talking to someone else who has lost a parent, they know they are speaking the same language without uttering a word.” – Pamela Thomas
“Fatherless Daughter Syndrome” (colloquially known as “daddy issues”) is an emotional disorder that stems from issues with trust and lack of self esteem that leads to a cycle of repeated dysfunctional decisions in relationships with men. It can last a woman’s entire lifetime if the symptoms go unacknowledged and ignored.”
“Growing Up Without a Dad Shapes Who You Are” by McKenna Meyers
“It took six decades, but I can finally utter a huge truth that caused me tremendous shame and sadness: My father didn’t love me. I never spoke that deep, dark secret, but it was always festering inside of me. It manifested itself in many ways throughout my life as I struggled with a food obsession, low self-esteem, social anxiety, and depression.
Whether a dad was present but rejecting like mine or walked away from his fatherly duties entirely, his absence leaves an indelible mark on a daughter’s psyche as she grows into adulthood.
Below, you’ll find six ways a daughter may be affected by an uninvolved dad.
According to Deborah Moskovitch, an author and divorce consultant, kids often blame themselves when dad leaves the home and becomes less involved in their lives. When they aren’t given an explanation about why dad left, they make up their own scenario and jump to the conclusion that it’s their fault and that they’re unlovable.
This is especially true for daughters. Countless studies have shown that fatherlessness has an extremely negative impact on daughters’ self esteem. Her confidence in her own abilities and value as a human being can be greatly diminished if her father isn’t there. Academically, personally, professionally, physically, socially, and romantically, a woman’s self esteem is diminished in every setting if she did not form a healthy relationship with her father
According to Pamela Thomas, author of Fatherless Daughters (a book that examines how women cope with the loss of a father via death or divorce), women who grew up with absent dads find it difficult to form lasting relationships. Because they were scarred by their dad’s rejection of them, they don’t want to risk getting hurt again. Consciously or unconsciously, they avoid getting close to people. They may form superficial relationships in which they reveal little of themselves and put very little effort into getting to know others. They may become promiscuous as a way of getting male attention without becoming too emotionally involved.
Ever since childhood, I’ve built walls around myself. I didn’t open up to people. I didn’t ask questions about their families, jobs, or hobbies. I kept my life private, and I remained socially isolated. These were all self-protective measures so I wouldn’t experience rejection like I did with my dad. Knowing this intellectually did nothing to help me change my behavior because my fear of rejection was more powerful than my desire to make connections.
In their book The Parent’s Guide to Eating Disorders, the authors Marcia Herrin and Nancy Matsumoto write eloquently about the fact that girls with physically or emotionally absent fathers are at greater risk of developing eating disorders. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia, binge-eating, body dysmorphia, unhealthy preoccupations with food or body weight, and other eating disorders are all more likely if a girl does not have a father figure as she’s growing up. Daughters without dads are also twice as likely to be obese. Because her longing to have a close relationship with her dad is denied, she may develop what Margo Maine (author of Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters, & Food) calls “father hunger,” a deep emptiness and a profound insecurity. Daughters are left wondering: What’s so wrong with me that my own father doesn’t love me? If I looked different—if I was thin—would I earn daddy’s love?
I’ve struggled with “father hunger” throughout my life—stuffing my face to fill the void, dieting to get model-thin, and always obsessing about food. My days have been filled with thoughts of eating—either doing it or struggling mightily not to. When I accepted that my dad didn’t love me and that he was an unhappy man with deep-rooted problems, I finally started eating normally and began maintaining a healthy weight. I began treating myself in a loving way by exercising, gardening, reading, walking in the woods, and spending time with family. For the first time in my life, I only thought about food when I was truly hungry. This freed me to enjoy my life in so many wonderful ways.
Not surprisingly, girls who grew up with dads who were emotionally or physically absent are more likely to struggle with depression as adults. Because they fear abandonment and rejection, these women often isolate themselves emotionally. They avoid healthy romantic relationships because they don’t feel deserving and fear getting hurt, but they might jump into unhealthy relationships that ultimately lead to heartbreak. In either scenario, the women are in emotional peril and frequently become depressed. If they don’t deal with the cause of their sadness—an absent dad—they may never be able to develop healthy relationships with men.
To top it all off, data suggests that children without fathers are more than twice as likely to commit suicide.
According to Denna Babul and Karin Louise, authors of The Fatherless Daughter Project, it’s helpful to simply realize that we’re not alone. In fact, one in three women see themselves as fatherless and struggle with feelings of abandonment. Knowing this fact helps us see that there’s a whole sisterhood out there who share a common pain and a need to connect. When we open up and share our journey, we help both ourselves and each other. Whether we feel the loss of a dad through death, divorce, drug addiction, estrangement, or emotional neglect, we must grieve in order to move forward. Read Five Steps to Heal Her Pain: How a Fatherless Daughter Can Move On From Her Dad’s Rejection for ideas on how to avoid falling into depression. A gifted therapist can be key to helping us do just that and becoming happier people.
Studies have shown the many benefits that come from a strong father-daughter bond. Most notably, girls who are close to their dads are less likely to get pregnant as teens. They delay engaging in sexual relationships, wait longer to get married and have children, and when they do find a husband, their marriages are more emotionally satisfying, stable, and long-lasting.
Countless studies also show that women who have unstable or absent paternal relationships are more likely to start having sex earlier and engage risky sexual behaviors. Daughters are four times more likely to get pregnant as a teen if dad isn’t in the picture. Studies show that more than 70% of unplanned teenage pregnancies occur in homes where there is no father.
As with depression, eating disorders, and low self esteem, the absence of a father can trap a daughter in a negative repetitive pattern she can’t easily break out of and turn to drugs to self-medicate and help numb the pain. She is more likely to find herself trapped in a cycle of substance abuse, for example. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Not only are kids in father-absent households about four times more likely to be poor (which can trigger many negative cycles), fatherless adolescents were found to be 69% more likely to use drugs and 76% more likely to commit crimes.
Try as I might, I was never been able to get any traction, always making a mess of this or that and never able to form long-lasting friendships. I rejected happiness because I never felt worthy of it. I did so much to sabotage my life and make myself miserable.
Then last year my older sister revealed to me that she, too, had felt unloved by him. I immediately felt enormous relief and then great euphoria. I realized it had never been about me—that I was bad, ugly, stupid and undeserving. It had always been about him—his unhappy childhood, his cold mother, his negative nature, and his dissatisfaction with being a husband and father. It had never been about me…never.
I could finally shout: “You were a piece of crap and now I’m done with you! I’m not your prisoner any more!”
According to Caitlin Marvaso, AMFT, a grief counselor and therapist, to recover from a father’s abandonment, a woman “must learn how to father herself, hold herself, and receive the type of love a father provides. It is a lifelong process, but with the proper support, tools, and patience, it is totally possible. That being said, the grief and pain never goes away, it just changes.”
A daughter whose father abandoned her can grow, thrive, learn, excel, succeed, love and be loved, and live a wonderful life when she realizes that the problem isn’t her, it’s him. This is the first step toward healing.
“Fatherless Daughter Syndrome” (colloquially known as “daddy issues”) is an emotional disorder that stems from issues with trust and lack of self esteem that leads to a cycle of repeated dysfunctional decisions in relationships with men. It can last a woman’s entire lifetime if the symptoms go unacknowledged and ignored.
Does the Reason Affect the Result of Fatherlessness?
Half of the daughters in the US self-identify as having no father in their lives, but the reasons for that fatherlessness vary. Approximately 28% lost their connection to their dads via divorce or separation, while 26% cite emotional absence as the reason for the estrangement. 19% lost their fathers to death, 13% to abandonment, 13% to addiction, 12% to abuse, and 4% to incarceration. 6% say they never met their father.
Certainly, a daughter whose loving dad passed away when she was 15 will be affected differently than a daughter whose father abandoned her when she was born. Unfortunately, many studies do not account for the reasons for fatherlessness.
The effects of fatherlessness can be mitigated by many factors. Daughters who were brought up in households with two moms, a loving and very-involved step parent, or participating grandparents or other extended family members will probably not experience the same lasting wounds and negative impact of a father’s abandonment.
Compared to those with healthy paternal relationships, fatherless women report…
feeling less happiness and lower levels of well-being,
higher levels of frustration, anger, and anger-related depression,
difficulty navigating the emotions of intimate relationships, and
overwhelming fears of abandonment.
To summarize, depression, suicide, eating disorders, obesity (and its effects), early sexual activity, addiction-formation, and difficulty building and holding on to loving relationships are all side-effects of an absent father.
elizabeth rose psychic and tarot 