Tag Archives: #difficultrelationships

Don’t Ask Him Where Your Relationship is Going Because He’s Telling You the Whole Time

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“You just don’t like the answer“

EXCELLENT post by Niki Marinis:

“If he’s not asking you out often, he’s not interested in a relationship. If he only texts you when he’s bored at work, he’s not interested in a relationship. If you only hear from him in the middle of the night, he’s not interested in anything but sex.

This is also why you don’t only date HIM, you date tons of guys at the same time. Let the best man win, damn it.

What has this guy done to deserve your exclusivity? What has he done to prove to you that you should cut off all your other options?

You pressing him for a verbal answer isn’t going to make him want to be with you if he doesn’t already. It isn’t going to make you look like a confident, sexy woman, either.

A confident sexy woman is paying attention to who is paying attention to her. Period. If it’s not him, then he’s out of the running, or very low on the list.

This is YOUR love life. This is YOUR time and energy. Don’t be so eager to shove it in some random guy’s face. Stop committing to men simply because YOU like him. That doesn’t mean he likes YOU. Don’t choose him and then try to make him want you.

Stop opening the door every five seconds looking out to see who’s coming up the walk way. Be too goddamn busy to care who the fuck is coming to your door. And only open it for those who have the fucking balls to knock on it. Stop opening it and waving them in from the street.

Stop saying words. Walk the fuck away. They’ll notice that.

I was up late last night watching trash TV at the hotel my friend got to bribe me into taking her to LAX. I’m a sucker for down pillows and comforters and rooms I don’t have to clean.

She put on a show called Marrying Millions. Yep, that show exists. And I saw a perfect example of exactly what I’m talking about.

The couple is a 34 yo woman and a 29 yo millionaire entrepreneur/rapper man. They’ve been dating for a year. He got her a diamond bracelet for her birthday, not an engagement ring and she was pissed. She decided she needed to talk to him about this. (DON’T DO IT, I’m screaming at the screen)

She wants to know where this relationship is going. (yawn) She’s 34 and wants to get married and have kids and start a family.

It’s a relationship, not a business transaction. You’re dealing with an actual person with their own feelings and wants and timeline, not an inanimate object you can put anywhere you want.

He said he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her but he’s not ready to get married tomorrow. She doesn’t want to accept that. She wants a guarantee that if she waits he’ll marry her.

THAT’S NOT HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK

No one can guarantee you shit. That’s the risk you take in love. Do you love him? Then it shouldn’t matter when it happens. And pressuring him isn’t going to make it happen any sooner.

Only it did. He took her to a ring shop the next day.

But here’s the thing: her pressure didn’t make HIM any more ready to marry her. It made him afraid to lose her, sure. So she was going to get a Shut the Fuck Up ring out of fear instead of an inspired, heartfelt proposal.

She said to him, “Are you doing this because you feel like I pressured you?” And THAT’S why you don’t do this kind of shit, because you will NEVER know the truth. You will NEVER KNOW if he asked you because you pressured him or because he really wanted to.

The ONLY way to know if a man truly wants to be with you is if it’s HIS idea, HIS choice, of his own volition and not from any emotional manipulation on your part.

Isn’t that what you want? Someone who wants you because you’re you and not because you have to convince/threaten/pressure them to be with you? That screams desperate, not confident. That screams willing to settle, not you’re the best choice for me.

Work on yourself. Build your confidence, self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem.

The more you love yourself the less you’ll be willing to settle for and/or throw yourself at the next remotely passable guy who shows you basic human kindness that you confuse for romantic interest.

SPOILER: the diamond bracelet was CZs and they’re still not engaged. Shocker.

How to handle difficult relationships

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cycle

 

This can be a challenging time of year for everyone and their relationships. We can feel stress, old, unresolved anger and grief from our past. Uncomfortable feelings rise up from our families, old friends, past lovers, current lovers, business partnerships, roommates and coworkers.

These unprocessed emotions can’t be solved overnight, but if you’re dealing with someone who is sick, strung out, toxic or crazy, it’s best to detach with love. Just having this course of action might give us all some comfort and support.

Read this from “The Language of Letting Go”. It could give you a valuable course of action:

“Detaching in Relationships
When we first become exposed to the concept of detachment, many of us find it objectionable and questionable. We may think that detaching means we don’t care. We may believe that by controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen, we’re showing how much we care.
We may believe that controlling, worrying, and forcing will somehow affect the outcome we desire. Controlling, worrying, and forcing don’t work. Even when we’re right, controlling doesn’t work. In some cases, controlling may prevent the outcome we want from happening.
As we practice the principle of detachment with the people in our life, we slowly begin to learn the truth. Detaching, preferably detaching with love, is a relationship behavior that works.
We learn something else too. Detachment – letting go of our need to control people – enhances all our relationships. It opens the door to the best possible outcome. It reduces our frustration level, and frees us and others to live in peace and harmony.
Detachment means we care, about others and ourselves. It frees us to make the best possible decisions. It enables us to set the boundaries we need to set with people. It allows us to have our feelings, to stop reacting and initiate a positive course of action. It encourages others to do the same.
It allows our Higher Power to step in and work.
Today, I will trust the process of detaching with love. I will understand that I am not just letting go; I am letting go and letting God. I’m loving others, but I’m loving myself too.”