Tag Archives: healthyrelationships

This is Why Your Brain Thinks Dating A Secure Person Is Boring

Excellent post by Kathrine Meraki in The Ascent!
Here’s the full article: https://medium.com/the-ascent/this-is-why-your-brain-thinks-dating-a-secure-person-is-boring-ce24487c8fa4

…”when you meet and date a secure person, something just doesn’t feel quite right. Despite the fact they’re comfortable with emotions, don’t play games and don’t keep you guessing…

You still can’t put your finger on this something.

Well, it’s likely you… not them.

Your brain tricking you, don’t fall for it if you want a secure relationship.

Here’s why dating a secure person feels boring………..

You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships

“Mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness … even for people who love each other greatly.” — Amir Levine

When you’ve got two insecurely attached people in a relationship, it creates an addictive pattern.

Let’s say you’ve got an avoidant person and an anxious person, and they’re dating.

  • Anxious person — They want the avoidant person to reassure them and show them they care. Anxiously attached people often have low-self esteem and fear abandonment by their partner.
  • Avoidant person — They don’t like emotional displays because they feel overwhelmed by them. They might begin pulling away from the anxious person and use excuses to avoid them.

In this situation, the anxious person might begin feeling like they’ve done something wrong. Their heart rate goes up; they might feel sweaty and stressed out.

They grab their phone and write a long message to the person. They’re breathing rapidly, and they’re nervous about sending the text.

They just want to fix what they’ve done and make things ‘right’ again. Maybe they try and use sex to do this, I did.

Amir Levine said:

“The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love.”

And if the avoidant person replies or tries to get in touch again, the anxious person feels relieved.

Endorphins rush through their body and brain. The pain in their stomach dissolves, “phew,” they let out a sigh.

It’s like a heroin user getting their fix.

Only this time, the anxious person will walk on eggshells. They’ll stuff their wants and needs down.

It always comes back up again, though, which scares the other person away. And the pattern repeats itself until one person backs away for good.

Dating A Secure Person Feels Like You’re Going Cold Turkey

“You are absolutely worthy of love. You are made of love and you don’t need someone to trigger you into it by their unavailability.” — Damien Bohler

When you’re used to the toxic and high arousal of insecure relationships, secure people won’t give you that addictive hit. Secure people:

  • Don’t play games
  • Know what they want, and they will tell you
  • Won’t push you away if you open up to them
  • Aren’t codependent
  • Aren’t afraid of talking about their feelings with you.

This can be terrifying for an insecurely attached person.

  • When you’ve been used to rollercoaster relationships your whole life, something predictable and stable shocks you.
  • You might believe there’s no connection between you and the secure person because they don’t trigger the rush you’re used to.
  • You may want to run and go back to someone who clings on or pushes away because you think this is passion and love.

It’s not passion. It’s insecure attachment.

Stop! Don’t Jump Ship Yet

“In short, secure attachment is attunement. It reflects a positive-enough environment that creates and engenders basic trust.” — Diane Poole Heller

If you’re dating someone secure, the insecure part of you might feel tempted to hightail it. If you feel there’s no connection there, ask yourself:

Is this predictability activating my insecure attachment?

If you persevere and push through the discomfort, you’ll soon learn if it is insecure attachment or if you genuinely don’t have a connection.

It’s important to remember you’ve been used to ups and downs, and it might feel uncomfortable at first dating someone secure.

You might think your connection is dull and lacking passion. Here’s what a secure relationship looks like:

  • Healthy, secure relationships won’t give you emotional whiplash.
  • There’s a sense of trust and respect for each other.
  • You both are comfortable hanging out with friends separately and doing your own thing.
  • Showing each other love and affection is easy.

Dianne Pool Heller rightly said:

“As we familiarize ourselves more with secure attachment, our relationships become easier and more rewarding — we’re less reactive, more receptive, more available for connection, healthier, and much more likely to bring out the securely attached tendencies in others.”

When your partner models to you what a healthy attachment style is, you tend to follow suit. Even better if you can work on yourself too.

I’m glad I didn’t bail on my partner when I felt overwhelmed, because I wouldn’t have learned what a stable relationship is.

Week of October 26th: Halloween

“Death” tarot card by Salvador Dali

CURRENTLY:
Sun at 4 Scorpio
Mercury RETROGRADE at 2 Scorpio
Venus at 28 Virgo
Mars RETROGRADE at 16 Aries (Rulership)
Jupiter at 20 Capricorn (fall, very weak)
Saturn at 25 Capricorn (rulership)
Neptune RETROGRADE at 18 Pisces (rulership)
Pluto at 22 Capricorn
North Node at 22 Gemini

Crossroads. This is the week leading up to Halloween; a primal festival with ancient roots. You can feel it in your bones. It is the last harvest festival of the year, the witches new year, and the last night before the fairies go underground for the winter. The boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead is at it’s thinnest point for the next several weeks.

Halloween is one of the year’s four cross-quarter holidays, and marks the midway point between the autumnal equinox and the winter solstice. However, True Halloween occurs when the Sun reaches 15 degrees Scorpio, which is usually around November 7th. The Sun went into Scorpio last week, and we are officially in the season of death and rebirth.

Last week we released an old relationship pattern that no longer worked for us, and this week we begin a deep dive into exploring our passions, healing psychological wounds and uncovering hidden agendas. Sun in Scorpio represents honesty and passion, and wherever it appears in your chart is where you walk fearlessly through the shadows to find passion and treasure.

Monday, October 26th: Moon in Pisces. Sun and Moon in water signs makes this an emotional and spiritual start to the week. Take a break if you have to, so you can find your true feeling about a situation, and then express this honestly in your communications. Moon in Pisces allows for self forgiveness, abstract thoughts and creativity.

Tuesday, October 27th: Moon in Pisces, Mercury and Venus BOTH enter Libra! Yay! It’s rare for two planets to enter a sign at the same time – and from opposite ends. Mercury backs out of Scorpio and lands on the last degree of Libra, rehashing situations from the last week of September. Cardinal signs (Aries, Cancer, Libra and Capricorn) get some pleasant avenues opening up as Venus arrives at 0 Libra.

Wednesday, October 28th: Moon in Aries. Watch out for head strong behavior or taking on more than you can handle. The best use of this energy is handling situations that take courage and strength, and setting boundaries.

Thursday, October 29th: Moon in Aries conjuncts Mars and Black Moon Lilith. Tests might come up around your identity and who you are becoming. Best to go slow and stay present with yourself so you can respond properly in the moment. Each of us has a new way of being, and a new life, but with Mars still retrograde, it’s not the time to push forward yet.

Friday, October 30th: All Hallows Eve. Moon VOC, then entering Taurus at 2:19pm Pacific. We are in the realm of Halloween and the orb of the Full Moon. Any activity that awakens the five senses is highlighted. It’s a sensual full moon near Black Moon Lilith, so equality and respect are demanded. Very passionate night.

Saturday, October 31st: Halloween. Full (Blue) Moon at 8 Taurus at 7:49am Pacific. Love, beauty, passion, commitment, nature, animals, and the Divine Feminine are the energies to focus on this weekend. Try and avoid power struggles, control issues and obsession. Pushiness and bullying will get you nowhere. Listen to others, respect their wishes and look to the common good. Taurus wants us all to be healthy and secure, so trick or treating will be on hold this year.

Sunday, November 1st: Witches New Year. Sun in Scorpio/Moon in Taurus. The phoenix rises from the ashes. Day to take stock, rest, and decide where to focus your energies for the coming Winter.

Week of September 28th

Valentine Cameron Prinsep – At the First Touch of Winter, Summer Fades Away, 1897

CURRENTLY:
Sun at 6 Libra
Mercury at 1 Scorpio
Venus at 25 Leo
Mars RETROGRADE at 25 Aries (Rulership)
Jupiter DIRECT at 17 Capricorn (fall, very weak)
Saturn STATIONING at 25 Capricorn (rulership)
Neptune RETROGRADE at 19 Pisces (rulership, strong)
Pluto RETROGRADE at 22 Capricorn
North Node at 23 Gemini

Can you feel the weight of Saturn? It is the planet of reality, discipline, responsibility, karma, and time, and it is currently standing still in the skies over the East Coast of the United States. Saturn in Capricorn is stationing (standing still), and turned Direct on Monday (9/28). We will feel the weight of this all week. If you have any planets around 25 degrees in any cardinal sign, you will be STRONGLY effected by the energy of this event.

On top of that, Saturn (patriarchy) is in a tight square with an aggressive group of planets near 25 Aries – Eris (discord), Mars (courage and assertiveness) and Lilith (rebellion). Female empowerment is greatly enhanced from this configuration. This square will bring up issues around leadership and control, and could bring violence this week.

Far eastern beliefs and practices state that we are surrounded by impermanence; that the only thing that is truly ours is the beauty of the present moment. Everyone and everything we know will eventually turn into something else. This the way of the world and the archetype of the Fall season. Our planet, society and personal lives are in a state of huge transition, and the best we can do is approach our challenges with love. Appreciate the people around you and the blessings you have in your life.

Monday, September 28th: Moon in Pisces. Mercury also entered Scorpio yesterday, bringing great depth and honesty to communications. Our minds are refocused and our powers of concentration are heightened. Moon in Pisces trines Mercury today, allowing us to express abstract thoughts in a clear way. With Saturn stationing Direct tonight, practice mindfulness and discipline.

Tuesday, September 29th: Moon in Pisces, Saturn stations Direct in Capricorn. Any Earth sign folks should be feeling a new sense of security today, but any Cardinal signs (Aries, Cancer, Libra) could get a reality check on their grand designs. With the Moon in Pisces, meditate and contemplate your life. Music and spirituality soothe the soul and ignite our imaginations. Great night to play or listen to music and make art.

Wednesday, September 30th: Moon VOC in Pisces. No big decisions or important conversations with authority. I would avoid that until next week if possible. Follow your intuition, go with the flow, and make time for solitude.

Thursday, October 1st: Full Moon in Aries. Watch for messages from the Universe about your identity, and your experience of evolutionary shifts. Each of us is changing and evolving into new, upgraded version. Each of us has a new way of being, and a new life. Focus your ambition and drive towards things you want to accomplish.

Friday, October 2nd: Moon In Aries, and Venus into Virgo. We are still feeling energetic, and good progress can be made now. Aries is the sign of individuality, so it’s all about YOU. Venus in Virgo is in it’s fall – which is one of the most difficult placements for the planet to express itself. Instead of art, put energy into organization.

Saturday, October 3rd: Moon in Taurus and Pluto in Capricorn stationing. Evolution, research, reformation and healing are the energies to focus on this weekend. Venus and Pluto are in tense placement this weekend, which can bring difficulties in relationships. Try and avoid power struggles, control issues and obsession. Pushiness and bullying will get you nowhere. Listen to others, respect their wishes and look to the common good.

Sunday, October 4th: Moon in Taurus and Pluto Stationing Direct in Capricorn. The phoenix rises from the ashes. Eris, the planet of discord is in the sign of Aries, the Individual. She is in a tense square to her brother Pluto, the planet of extremes, in the sign of Capricorn, which symbolizes control and the patriarchy. Be careful if you’re out there protesting.

Week of September 1st

Hasui Kawase, (1883-1957) Moon at Megome, 1930 (Woodblock print)

CURRENTLY:
Sun at 8 Virgo
Mercury at 18 Virgo
Venus at 22 Cancer (neutral)
Mars at 27 Aries (Rulership)
Jupiter RETROGRADE at 17 Capricorn (fall, very weak)
Saturn RETROGRADE at 26 Capricorn (rulership)
Neptune at 19 Pisces (rulership, strong)
Pluto RETROGRADE at 22 Capricorn
North Node at 25 Gemini

Full Moon in Pisces Tuesday evening, which is normally a spiritual and peaceful event, however, issues around leadership, control and violence will be evident this week. Eris, the planet of Discord is in the sign of Aries, the Individual. She is in a tense square to her brother Pluto, the planet of extremes, in the sign of Capricorn, which symbolizes control and the patriarchy. I would avoid honestly avoid protests this week and the foreseeable future.

Monday, August 31st: Moon in Aquarius. Believe in your genius and gifts. No one else in the world can express your unique energy, so it’s up to you. People are friendly, and progress can be made in communications. With an Aquarius Moon, video chat with your friends or community. If you encounter stubbornness, practice mindfulness.

Tuesday, September 1st: Full (HARVEST) Moon in Pisces at 10:22pm. Meditate and contemplate. Music and spirituality soothe the soul and ignite our imaginations. Great night to play or listen to music, or do your art!

Wednesday, September 2nd: Full Moon in Pisces continues. Follow your intuition, go with the flow, and make time for solitude. Also, Venus opposition to Saturn is exact in the morning. Venus (women, art creativity) comes up against the reality and discipline needed to be productive. Women might come up against resistance in the work place. You are being asked to be patient, but to also completely own who you are and who you’re growing in to! Venus going through oppositions with Saturn and Pluto this week illuminates the areas where you are evolving and setting boundaries. Watch for messages from the Universe!

Thursday, September 3rd: Moon in Aries. Use what you’ve learned from the Full Moon this week to start something new today! Focus your ambition and drive towards things you want to accomplish. Aries is the sign of individuality, so it’s all about YOU. Try and get yourself grounded before undertaking anything. Lots of energy for adventures, creativity, and new projects.

Friday, September 4th: Moon In Aries. We are still feeling energetic and good progress can be made in the morning. Venus square Mars today brings sexy tension to relationships! With Mars in Aries and Venus in Cancer, be sensitive to the other person’s feelings, and make sure there is good understanding between you before taking any action.

Saturday, September 5th: Moon in Aries and Mercury into Libra! Our mental focus changes from analysis and nervousness to balance and creativity. You will receive lots of wonderful artistic and creative ideas. Communications in relationships will get a positive boost. Focus on being balanced and fair in your dealings with others.

Sunday, September 6th: Moon in Taurus. The coziness of home. Nice evening to cook and be around loved ones. Venus enters Leo today too! All of us will feel the urge to shine, express our individuality and be more outgoing. Love and art become fiery and passionate, and women step into leadership. Make use of this month, Venus will be in Leo until October 2nd. For artists, let yourself loose to experiment and show whatever you discovered while Venus was in Cancer.

Don’t Ask Him Where Your Relationship is Going Because He’s Telling You the Whole Time

You just don’t like the answer

EXCELLENT post by Niki Marinis:

“If he’s not asking you out often, he’s not interested in a relationship. If he only texts you when he’s bored at work, he’s not interested in a relationship. If you only hear from him in the middle of the night, he’s not interested in anything but sex.

This is also why you don’t only date HIM, you date tons of guys at the same time. Let the best man win, damn it.

What has this guy done to deserve your exclusivity? What has he done to prove to you that you should cut off all your other options?

You pressing him for a verbal answer isn’t going to make him want to be with you if he doesn’t already. It isn’t going to make you look like a confident, sexy woman, either.

A confident sexy woman is paying attention to who is paying attention to her. Period. If it’s not him, then he’s out of the running, or very low on the list.

This is YOUR love life. This is YOUR time and energy. Don’t be so eager to shove it in some random guy’s face. Stop committing to men simply because YOU like him. That doesn’t mean he likes YOU. Don’t choose him and then try to make him want you.

Stop opening the door every five seconds looking out to see who’s coming up the walk way. Be too goddamn busy to care who the fuck is coming to your door. And only open it for those who have the fucking balls to knock on it. Stop opening it and waving them in from the street.

Stop saying words. Walk the fuck away. They’ll notice that.

I was up late last night watching trash TV at the hotel my friend got to bribe me into taking her to LAX. I’m a sucker for down pillows and comforters and rooms I don’t have to clean.

She put on a show called Marrying Millions. Yep, that show exists. And I saw a perfect example of exactly what I’m talking about.

The couple is a 34 yo woman and a 29 yo millionaire entrepreneur/rapper man. They’ve been dating for a year. He got her a diamond bracelet for her birthday, not an engagement ring and she was pissed. She decided she needed to talk to him about this. (DON’T DO IT, I’m screaming at the screen)

She wants to know where this relationship is going. (yawn) She’s 34 and wants to get married and have kids and start a family.

It’s a relationship, not a business transaction. You’re dealing with an actual person with their own feelings and wants and timeline, not an inanimate object you can put anywhere you want.

He said he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her but he’s not ready to get married tomorrow. She doesn’t want to accept that. She wants a guarantee that if she waits he’ll marry her.

THAT’S NOT HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK

No one can guarantee you shit. That’s the risk you take in love. Do you love him? Then it shouldn’t matter when it happens. And pressuring him isn’t going to make it happen any sooner.

Only it did. He took her to a ring shop the next day.

But here’s the thing: her pressure didn’t make HIM any more ready to marry her. It made him afraid to lose her, sure. So she was going to get a Shut the Fuck Up ring out of fear instead of an inspired, heartfelt proposal.

She said to him, “Are you doing this because you feel like I pressured you?” And THAT’S why you don’t do this kind of shit, because you will NEVER know the truth. You will NEVER KNOW if he asked you because you pressured him or because he really wanted to.

The ONLY way to know if a man truly wants to be with you is if it’s HIS idea, HIS choice, of his own volition and not from any emotional manipulation on your part.

Isn’t that what you want? Someone who wants you because you’re you and not because you have to convince/threaten/pressure them to be with you? That screams desperate, not confident. That screams willing to settle, not you’re the best choice for me.

Work on yourself. Build your confidence, self-respect, self-worth, self-esteem.

The more you love yourself the less you’ll be willing to settle for and/or throw yourself at the next remotely passable guy who shows you basic human kindness that you confuse for romantic interest.

SPOILER: the diamond bracelet was CZs and they’re still not engaged. Shocker.

Love

love

“Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, love never fails” ((( ♥ )))

-Unknown

Astro week of September 24

harvestmoon2016

September 24th – Full Moon at 2 deg Aries at 7:52pm Pacific.  Starting this week off with the beautiful Harvest Moon. The emphasis is on balance – in our personal lives and partnerships. How do we take care of ourselves and our responsibilities, and share our lives with others? That is the question for all of us. Mars, the ruling planet of Aries, is conjunct the South Node, helping us let go of past patterns and habits that no longer serve us.

Tuesday, Sept. 25th – Moon in Aries, full moon is still in effect. More tests and lessons manifest; especially with the Sun (vision) square Saturn (responsibility). Best way to handle these energies is to focus on YOU, be present with intuitive flashes and let go of the past.

Wednesday, Sept. 26th – Moon void-of-course in Aries ALL DAY! Keep yourself grounded and continue working on things already begun. Get out in nature today and/or be creative.

Thursday, Sept. 27th – Moon in Taurus and Sun trine Mars. It’s easy to manifest ideas and communicate effectively today. Lots of satisfying forward progress can be made, and if you’ve been waiting for a good time to negotiate something, today is the day.

Friday, Sept 28th – Moon in Taurus, void after 3:36pm Pacific. Excellent day for romance, but make your plans early and expect impulsiveness in the evening. The Moon opposes Jupiter in Scorpio which is intense, but can also bring deep wisdom to any romantic tensions.

Saturday, Sept. 29th – Moon in Gemini, Sun in Libra and Mars in Aquarius. GRAND AIR TRINE. Beautiful aspect allowing for huge, positive movement towards wishes fulfilled. Our actions (Mars) are in alignment with our vision (Sun) connecting with us emotionally (Moon), and all in Air signs giving us ideas and clarity. We feel achievement, inner harmony and activation. Pluto stationing overhead helps us evolve and transform into a new version of ourselves.

September 30th – Pluto turns Direct at 18’45 CAP.  A truly remarkable weekend. We will feel this aspect in subtle ways over the coming weeks. Pluto stations can be intense because the events surrounding it often reflect our personal evolutions. The last station was April 22, and Pluto has been retrograde (going backwards) since then. This planet (yes I said PLANET), brings up old, toxic energy to be purged and healed.

When Pluto stations, or stands still in the sky, secrets are revealed and people struggle for power and control. All of this is highly visible on the national stage. Pluto is one of the rulers of Scorpio, and represents core, primal drives within us, like sex. Also the inescapable aspects of being human, like death. In this case however, the “death” is psychological rather than literal 🙂 We touch our potential, and transform into a higher version of ourselves.

 

stand in truth

heart

I learned that who doesn’t look for you, doesn’t miss you.
And who doesn’t miss you doesn’t care for you…
Destiny determines who enters your life but YOU decide who stays…
Therefore, value whoever values you, and don’t treat someone as a priority if they treat you as an option.

Happy Love Day

vibe

Happy Valentine’s Day! I love to celebrate love because it truly is the reason we are all here. It’s the most beautiful part of being human! Well, that and melted cheese, but anyway….

The majority of my readings are relationship readings, and I want to share a few things I’ve learned throughout my career.

  1. The future is unknown. If you “let go and let god”, you will be amazed at what the Universe brings to your life. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. Literally ANYTHING can happen, and I believe the Universe wants us to fulfill ourselves. I’ve seen people find happiness while being single; people that feel hopeless about finding love, sure that they will “die alone”, end up in exciting, committed relationships. I’ve seen relationships come back from breakups and recommit; I’ve seen people thrilled with “the chase” and the rush of new relationships learn to love themselves and the unfolding of love.
  2. Love is in your ACTIONS, not your words.
  3. You have to be in reality. It’s easy to get swept up in romantic fantasies, but in the end they keep you from being present with the person you’re getting to know. The person you meet in the first three months of a relationship is not the real person. People are shy and it takes time to trust each other. Be patient and get to know people. This will keep you from getting hurt most of the time. I heard once it takes three years to really know someone.
  4. Speak your TRUTH. What is your truth? What’s really going on with you and your partner, and are you holding back on communicating something you need to get off your chest? If your partner can’t receive your truth, and shuts down communication all the time, you might have grown past the person. True love is when both partners want the relationship to work and want to respect each others’ feelings, needs, desires and goals.
  5. Respect other peoples’ TRUTH. Listen to what your partner says and respect what’s important to them. Really Listen. What are the other person’s needs, feelings and goals? Then honestly look and see if you’re in alignment with each other.
  6. Be aware of when you’re projecting your past hurts onto others. I think relationships are little incubators for us to heal our past traumas. Not everyone is capable of doing this, and that’s OK, but your stuff WILL come up!
  7. Don’t date someone’s potential. It’s hard to remember that when you’re in the throes of infatuation, or if you’re a highly intuitive person. What is the person doing NOW in the present? Because that’s what you got 🙂
  8. BE Yourself. It’s OK if you’re not perfect.
  9. Take responsibility for your own happiness. You can’t fix someone, and no one can fix you. Each person has to save themselves. Relationships work best when two people, each whole unto themselves, come together to share their lives. Expecting someone to make up for your deficiency just doesn’t work.
  10. Trust your instincts. Your gut will tell if you if someone is right for you or not.
  11. Practice gratitude and validation everyday! This helps us focus on what’s working, rather than focusing on problems.

I LOVE this guy too:

Have a great day everybody!