Excellent post by Kathrine Meraki in The Ascent!
Here’s the full article: https://medium.com/the-ascent/this-is-why-your-brain-thinks-dating-a-secure-person-is-boring-ce24487c8fa4
…”when you meet and date a secure person, something just doesn’t feel quite right. Despite the fact they’re comfortable with emotions, don’t play games and don’t keep you guessing…
You still can’t put your finger on this something.
Well, it’s likely you… not them.
Your brain tricking you, don’t fall for it if you want a secure relationship.
Here’s why dating a secure person feels boring………..
You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships
“Mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness … even for people who love each other greatly.” — Amir Levine
When you’ve got two insecurely attached people in a relationship, it creates an addictive pattern.
Let’s say you’ve got an avoidant person and an anxious person, and they’re dating.
- Anxious person — They want the avoidant person to reassure them and show them they care. Anxiously attached people often have low-self esteem and fear abandonment by their partner.
- Avoidant person — They don’t like emotional displays because they feel overwhelmed by them. They might begin pulling away from the anxious person and use excuses to avoid them.
In this situation, the anxious person might begin feeling like they’ve done something wrong. Their heart rate goes up; they might feel sweaty and stressed out.
They grab their phone and write a long message to the person. They’re breathing rapidly, and they’re nervous about sending the text.
They just want to fix what they’ve done and make things ‘right’ again. Maybe they try and use sex to do this, I did.
Amir Levine said:
“The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love.”
And if the avoidant person replies or tries to get in touch again, the anxious person feels relieved.
Endorphins rush through their body and brain. The pain in their stomach dissolves, “phew,” they let out a sigh.
It’s like a heroin user getting their fix.
Only this time, the anxious person will walk on eggshells. They’ll stuff their wants and needs down.
It always comes back up again, though, which scares the other person away. And the pattern repeats itself until one person backs away for good.
Dating A Secure Person Feels Like You’re Going Cold Turkey
“You are absolutely worthy of love. You are made of love and you don’t need someone to trigger you into it by their unavailability.” — Damien Bohler
When you’re used to the toxic and high arousal of insecure relationships, secure people won’t give you that addictive hit. Secure people:
- Don’t play games
- Know what they want, and they will tell you
- Won’t push you away if you open up to them
- Aren’t codependent
- Aren’t afraid of talking about their feelings with you.
This can be terrifying for an insecurely attached person.
- When you’ve been used to rollercoaster relationships your whole life, something predictable and stable shocks you.
- You might believe there’s no connection between you and the secure person because they don’t trigger the rush you’re used to.
- You may want to run and go back to someone who clings on or pushes away because you think this is passion and love.
It’s not passion. It’s insecure attachment.
Stop! Don’t Jump Ship Yet
“In short, secure attachment is attunement. It reflects a positive-enough environment that creates and engenders basic trust.” — Diane Poole Heller
If you’re dating someone secure, the insecure part of you might feel tempted to hightail it. If you feel there’s no connection there, ask yourself:
Is this predictability activating my insecure attachment?
If you persevere and push through the discomfort, you’ll soon learn if it is insecure attachment or if you genuinely don’t have a connection.
It’s important to remember you’ve been used to ups and downs, and it might feel uncomfortable at first dating someone secure.
You might think your connection is dull and lacking passion. Here’s what a secure relationship looks like:
- Healthy, secure relationships won’t give you emotional whiplash.
- There’s a sense of trust and respect for each other.
- You both are comfortable hanging out with friends separately and doing your own thing.
- Showing each other love and affection is easy.
Dianne Pool Heller rightly said:
“As we familiarize ourselves more with secure attachment, our relationships become easier and more rewarding — we’re less reactive, more receptive, more available for connection, healthier, and much more likely to bring out the securely attached tendencies in others.”
When your partner models to you what a healthy attachment style is, you tend to follow suit. Even better if you can work on yourself too.
I’m glad I didn’t bail on my partner when I felt overwhelmed, because I wouldn’t have learned what a stable relationship is.