CURRENTLY: Sun at 0 Sagittarius Mercury DIRECT at 25 Scorpio Venus at 14 Capricorn Mars at 15 Scorpio (rulership, do Mars Magick!) Jupiter at 24 Aquarius Saturn at 8 Aquarius (rulership) Neptune RETROGRADE at 20 Pisces (rulership) Pluto at 24 Capricorn North Node at 1 Gemini
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There will be continued developments this week from the dramatic Full Moon Eclipse last Thursday. The energies around an eclipse are tricky. The best way to handle it, is to do chores, grunt work, meetings, or phone calls that you’ve been avoiding for awhile. An eclipse often helps us see things inside us and around us that have been hidden, but the best way to deal with it is to limit sudden surprises in your life. That means dealing with your life in a deep way.
In ancient times, an eclipse was thought to be a portent of doom – corresponding to the head (North Node) and tail (South Node) of a great dragon. The dragon’s head is forever hungry and consuming, so the idea is, if you’re handling things you’ve been procrastinating on, you’re feeding the dragon’s head true sustenance, and the neverending hunger might be abated. In two weeks we’ll have to deal with another eclipse involving the tail of the dragon. More on that later…
The Sun entered Sagittarius today! We leave the watery, ocean depths of Scorpio for the sunny hillsides of the Centaur. This week starts in the third quarter of the Moon, turning into a fallow Moon on Saturday. With Sagittarius season, the mood lightens and we become more adventurous, philosophical, and goal-oriented. Be on the look out for false optimism and arrogance though.
Monday, November 22nd: Moon in Cancer. Everyone will be hyper-sensitive, so careful not to offend anyone today. Avoid social complications or “rocking the boat”. Instead, go with the current of your life, and put your energies towards things you have control over. The Moon in Cancer (the Moon’s natural home), on a MONDAY (day of the Moon), means you can do big Moon Magick. Anything involving security, the home, plants, cooking, nurturing, children, fertility or creativity is highlighted.
Tuesday, November 23rd: Moon in Cancer continues; she opposes Venus, then trines Mars and Neptune. Still avoid confronting anyone today – indulge yourself instead. Creativity is accessible, so develop ideas. Good for love, tending plants and animals, opening up and clearing the house. Moon opposing Pluto in the evening can put us in a dark mood, so focus on healing.
Wednesday, November 24th: Moon into Leo at 8am Pacific gives us a refreshed, lighter attitude today. This is further enhanced by the Moon conjuncting the Sun and Mercury, newly in Sagittarius. Have some fun! Mercury in Sagittarius sets our minds free and allows us to explore our personal life perspectives for the next few weeks.
Thursday, November 25th: Moon in Leo is the PERFECT placement for Thanksgiving. People will lead from the heart and seek to connect through natural affinity. Today is also good for seeking acknowledgement and cooperation from those in leadership positions; although you shouldn’t be working. Performances will be first rate.
Friday, November 26th: Moon void-of-course All Day in Leo makes this a bad day to spend money. We are more likely to buy things on a whim and regret it later. Can you do Black Friday shopping tomorrow? Moon goes into Virgo at 6:12pm Pacific, which makes us much more discerning and budget conscious.
Saturday, November 27th: Moon in Virgo enters her 4th quarter. Today we balance the books, manage our health, and tackle anything requiring attention to detail. We are busy busy busy. The Moon makes a couple of squares with Mercury and the Sun, and trines Uranus around 4:15pm. It could be an evening of pleasant surprises.
Sunday, November 28th: Moon in Virgo, going void-of-course at 4pm Pacific. Today we do weekly shopping and get organized. The Moon makes five positive aspects today, culminating with a lovely Sun conjunct Mercury in Sagittarius. This means that Mercury is “via combusta”, or lost in the fires of the Sun, and we must operate on instinct. Hanukkah begins at sundown.
CURRENTLY: Sun at 8 Scorpio Mercury DIRECT at 22 Libra Venus at 26 Sagittarius Mars at 1 Scorpio (rulership, do Mars Magick!) Jupiter at 22 Aquarius Saturn at 7 Aquarius (rulership) Neptune RETROGRADE at 20 Pisces (rulership) Pluto at 24 Capricorn North Node at 1 Gemini
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We are in the darkest phase of the monthly moon cycle, preparing for the New Moon in Scorpio on Thursday. Lots of feelings could be coming up so we can release them. Rest and give yourself time to reflect on how you’d like the upcoming Moon cycle to go. If you’d like a personal reading on how this Scorpio cycle will effect you, you can book a short reading with me here for $45.
There’s a new life staring you in the face this week, but to find it you have to let go of something first. Scorpio is ruled by Mars, the warrior god of strength, courage, boundaries, assertiveness, men, justice, and action. Mars square Saturn is getting stronger right now, becoming exact on Nov 10, which happens to be the day that Mars opposition Uranus begins, getting stronger, until exact on Nov 17.
Mars encourages us to….
Look at our goals. Are they in alignment with your true and highest self? Also, do you have any goals?
Assess our ambitions, life path and direction. It is a time to think about our actions, and whether they are aligned with the life and world we want to create.
Look at our energy and drive, because they are valuable. Is your current job or project worth what you’re spending the time on? Do you need to make a change?
Letting go, releasing, death, and rebirth are the Scorpion themes of the upcoming Moon month. With Scorpio, we are reaching out to deeply connect with things outside of ourselves. It’s a good time to check in and see if you are putting the right energy into your friendships and love relationships. For those who refuse to change the difficulties are going to get worse. For others, it’s a time of opportunity in a new world.
Monday, November 1st: Moon in Virgo is void-of-course at 10am, then into Libra 4:11pm Pacific. We’re feeling the happy and fun effects of the Mercury-Jupiter trine last night. Life feels really good right now! It’s a great way to start the week. Let yourself be optimistic, and watch for opportunities.
Tuesday, November 2nd: Moon in Libra. Mercury squares Pluto in the predawn hours, and the mood changes.There’s a serious tone to the day. Moon trine Saturn adds to the heaviness. We are in the realm of Thursday’s New Moon in Scorpio, so the edge of a pending rebirth is evident. Seek out healing. Try and remember the dreams you have, because they contain messages for you.
Wednesday, November 3rd: Moon in Libra, into Scorpio at 5:52pm Pacific. It’s a busy day, with the Moon making five different aspects. There’s a trine with Jupiter, square with Pluto, conjunction with Mercury and sextile with Venus. This means we are emotionally processing a lot of recent growth in our thinking and life events. Moon in Scorpio means to do Magick! This is a portal towards the deep Fall. Even though Halloween is over, the veil between the worlds is thin, and we can see spirits. The intensity of the upcoming New Moon can be felt today.
Thursday, November 4th: New Moon in Scorpio at 2:15pm. This New Moon squares Saturn, continuing Tuesday’s heaviness. The big aspect though, is the New Moon exactly opposing Uranus over in Taurus. This can bring eccentric people into your life, OR cause sudden, liberating events. Relationships will be strongly effected by this aspect. Try to see the other person’s point of view and be flexible. Expect occult experiences and deep conversations with people. Something in our life needs to die so a new life can be born.
Friday, November 5th: Moon in Scorpio goes void-of-course at 9:10am, then into Sagittarius at 5:52pm Pacific. During a void period, especially in Scorpio, avoid conflict or risk. The Moon trines Neptune and squares Jupiter today, so follow your instincts. Remain flexible, stay in the present, and be creative if you have time. This Moon brings out the truth, but also makes people sensitive, so avoid social complications.
Venus enters Capricorn at 3:44 AM This can add a challenging but stabilizing dose of reality to relationships and artistic pursuits. Hard work and committment is favored for the next several weeks. Loyalty with our partners, friends and family is a good thing to practice right now, and can deepen the foundations of relationships.
Mercury enters Scorpio at 3:35 PM Communications become deep, intense, serious and transformative. There are no more trivialities for the next few weeks. Our minds think strategically, and we are able to see the psychological underpinnings of any situation. Healing is favored along with strength, and an unwavering view of our shadow sides.
Saturday,November 6th: Moon in Sagittarius makes a couple of minor aspects, but the bigger influence is Mercury sextile Venus in the morning. This connection brings positive communication and progress with work and relationships. Make use of this lovely energy. Make a lot of time for adventures and fun.
Sunday,November 7th: Moon in Sagittarius is void ALL DAY, then enters Capricorn at 5:00pm. Another long void period! Avoid being spontaneous or impulsive today. Capricorn sours the expansive Sagittarian vibe, so today will be about making progress with challenging work, or getting chores done.
CURRENTLY: Sun at 12 Libra (in it’s fall, no Sun Magick now) Mercury RETROGRADE at 20 Libra Venus at 28 Scorpio (Detriment! No Venus Magick now) Mars at 13 Libra (Detriment, no Mars Magick now) Jupiter RETROGRADE at 22 Aquarius Saturn STATIONING at 6 Aquarius (rulership) Neptune RETROGRADE at 21 Pisces (rulership) Pluto STATIONING at 24 Capricorn North Node at 2 Gemini
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Autumn has arrived, the veil between the worlds is getting thinner, and the darkness approaches. We have a transformative week before us. We are currently in the darkest phase of the monthly moon cycle, preparing for the New Moon in Libra on Wednesday. Lots of old feelings and issues could be coming up, so we can release them. Rest and give yourself time to reflect on how you’d like the upcoming Moon cycle to go. If you’d like a personal reading on how this Libra cycle will effect you, you can book a short reading with me here for $45.
Libra is ruled by Venus, the powerful goddess of love, relationships and art. This New Moon on Wednesday is conjunct the Sun and Mars, which greatly amplifies it’s power. With the Sun and Mars traveling so closely together, our ambitions are aligned with our Souls, and we can find new meaning through our actions.
Finding balance and justice are the Libran themes of the upcoming Moon month. The signs of Aries through Virgo are mostly concerned with the “Self”; Libra is the first point of the zodiac where we encounter other people, and relationships come to the forefront. It’s a good time to check in and see if you are putting out the right energy in your friendships and love relationships. Are you working as part of a team? Are you sharing attention, healing and nurturing? What is standing in your way of being a better partner?
The deep deep undercurrent is Pluto AND Saturn standing still (stationary) over the East Coast of the United States. Both of these heavyweights turn Direct this week, which can bring pessimism, “do or die” attitudes, intensity and moodiness. Pluto brings deep evolution in a way you can’t avoid. You gotta do it. All of our repressed, toxic energy comes up to be released. Pluto is death and rebirth.
Saturn wants you to grow up and be an adult, so maturity is another theme coming up this week. Saturn is structures, time and responsibility. How to use this energy: Look for old structures in your life that you have outgrown and let them go. Once Saturn goes Direct, you can rebuild them in a more thoughtful and conscious way.
Monday, October 4th: Moon in Virgo makes four aspects today. It’s a great way to start the week, because Virgo has us getting organized and handling things we’ve been avoiding. Our focus is on order and health. Pluto is standing still in the sky, like a sentry standing guard over us and our evolution. The intensity of the upcoming New Moon can be felt today.
Tuesday, October 5th: Moon in Libra trines Saturn in the early evening. We are in the realm of tomorrow’s New Moon in Libra, so relationship energy is very strong today, We seek balance; if our life has been one-sided, we are very aware of it. Try and remember the dreams you have tonight, because they contain messages of new growth. The cusp of rebirth.
Wednesday, October 6th: New Moon in Libra at 5:05am Pacific. This Moon is conjunct Mars, which can bring up issues with balance, assertiveness, relationships, men, justice, and action. The Moon also makes six different aspects today! We will be feeling the effects of this transformational New Moon for a long time. With Mercury retrograde, and Venus in Scorpio (detriment), be cautious and strategic with relationships and communications. Pluto in Capricorn also goes Direct at 11:30am.
Thursday, October 7th: Moon in Scorpio squares Pluto and Saturn, continuing yesterday’s heaviness. More information comes out about the issues of the week. The focus is on fairness, balance and justice. Try to see the other person’s point of view and be flexible. Agreements will be hard won. Thank goodness Venus moves into Sagittarius today. This lightens the mood tremendously. Also today: Mars and the Sun conjunct in Libra: Our ego may want to rule the roost, so don’t be a bully; practice patience and tolerance.
Friday, October 8th: Moon in Scorpio opposes Uranus, trines Neptune and squares Jupiter. Remain flexible, stay in the present, and be creative if you have time. Remember, with a Scorpio Moon, it’s great to visit the ocean, or hang out by a pool. This Moon brings out the truth, but also makes people sensitive, so avoid social complications. With the Moon in Scorpio it’s a witchy day. If a boundary needs to be set, today is the day.
Saturday,October 9th: Moon in Sagittarius makes three aspects, but the bigger influence is the Sun, Mercury and Mars dancing around together in Libra. They are traveling closely and conjuncting each other today. Positive communication and progress with work and relationships. Make use of this lovely energy. Let men have the last word today.
Sunday,October 10th: Moon in Sagittarius makes four minor aspects, but has a square with Neptune around 7pm… the same moment Saturn in Aquarius goes DIRECT. Yikes. Watch for major reality checks today, and fantasies being popped like balloons. Make use of this heavy, Saturnian energy by making progress with challenging work, or getting chores done.
As we have entered the Fall season and October, I’d like to share with you these great writings on the powerful goddess Hecate, Queen of the Witches.
“HEKATE (Hecate), Greek goddess of the crossroads, magic, witchcraft, the night, moon, ghosts, and necromancy, guardian of the household, and protector of everything newly born — once a widely revered and influential goddess, the reputation of Hecate has been tarnished over the centuries. In current times, she is usually depicted as a “hag” or old witch stirring the cauldron. But nothing could be further from the image of Hecate’s original glory. A beautiful and powerful goddess in her own right, Hecate was the only one of the ancient Titans who Zeus allowed to retain their authority once the Olympians seized control. Zeus shared with Hecate, and only her, the awesome power of giving humanity anything she wished (or withholding it if she pleased). A lover of solitude, Hecate was, like her cousin Artemis, a “virgin” goddess, unwilling to sacrifice her independent nature for the sake of marriage. Usually classified as a “moon goddess”, her kingdoms were actually three-fold . . . the earth, sea, and sky. Having the power to create or withhold storms undoubtedly played a role in making her the goddess who was the protector of shepherds and sailors. In her role as ‘Queen of the Night’ she was both honored and feared as the protectress of the oppressed and of those who lived “on the edge”. It is hardly surprising that a woman who needed to make a trip alone at night would say a brief prayer to Hecate to seek her protection.” Secrets of the Occult
“I feel Hekate asks all of us to think and act in a titanic way. Though she works with us on a personal level her realms are so much vaster. I feel one of the biggest messages she’s delivered to me is that of going through your own personal abyss of shadows to find your own torch to lead you down your own path. Hekate as the Spirit of the World, asks us to think about our role upon the planet. What energies and actions are we allowing into our world? Which structures, paradigm…s and systematic forms of oppression need to be burned and not allowed to pass? What do we allow into our portals of reality upon this Earth to enhance it for all Her children? How are we in return, care-taking and guarding the planet we are an extension of? How are we going to put on our crown of sovereignty and decide what we allow and what we don’t allow upon our planet.
You may be thinking, Hecate is associated with dogs, but she is indeed also associated with cats. Ovid shares that when Princess Alcmene was pregnant with Hercules by Zeus, her servant Galinthias played a trick on Hera to ensure that Alcmene would successfully give birth without Hera thwarting it. Hera enraged turned Galinthias into a cat as punishment and sent her to the underworld where she served as a priestess of Hecate. Thus, black cats were considered omens of death, witchcraft, and the underworld due to their associations with Hecate.”
Eliphas Levi, the occult author of the mid-1800’s, published many seminal works that became the cornerstones of early western mysticism. He illuminates the ancient roots of magical thought and tradition in a myriad of ways, but what I stumbled upon today is his presentation of the qualities of the seven traditional planets.
I refer to these attributes constantly in my work as an astrologer and Qabalistic jeweler. My usual source is Aleister Crowley’s 777, but Levi’s comments on the planets predate Crowley’s by many decades, and I want to share them here with you. What I found most exciting, is that each of the seven sins and seven virtues are related to a planet!! Here’s the seven traditional planets list from Eliphas Levi’s book, Transcendental Magick:
The language of symbols through the medium of alchemy is one of the oldest forms of communication on our planet, and my absolute favorite. I love the simplicity and history encompassed in a single image. I stumbled across this fantastic retrospective by Guity Novin today. She is a really interesting artist of Iranian descent, and has an interesting perspective on the art of alchemy. It’s long, but I have to share it with you.
Symbols in medieval Arabic alchemy inspired by Egyptian hieroglyphs: Kitab al-Aqalim by Abu ‘l-Qasim al-‘Iraqi in British Library, MS Add 25724.
Alchemy, Le livre de la sainte trinité, ca. 1400
Catalogus Stellarum Fixarum, Codex DA 11.13. Persian manuscript illumination of Leviathan or Cetus Illustration from a copy of Al-Sufi’s The Book of Fixed Stars. 15th Century.
“A Hag’s Guide to Spring Cleaning” by Alexis J. Cunningfolk
“Scrub your skin with the dirt from a hollow hill.
Brush your body with raven feathers and the blessings of a million hags gone before who have never given a shit about the what looks “nice” to others.
Take all the pots and pans out of your kitchen, clean them with black salt, and bring them outside with your spoons and knives. Make a racket to wake up the earth and let the neighbors know that their local hag has woken up from winter slumber.
Water your garden with the tears shed by those suffering from fragile masculinity to help them grow towards their heart instead of their fear.
Stitch up your worn out clothes with the red thread of intersectionality and luck.
Scare the life back into your heart by grinning so loudly in the mirror that you can see every tooth, fang, and monster song gurgling forth from the back of your throat.
Go to a crossroads, turn to the east, and spit three times so that you never forget how to find your way back.
Stain your lips and fingers with the blood of berries.
Braid thorns into your hair and rub rose dust into your eyebrows.
Never say you’re sorry for making it to another spring. Cackle instead and celebrate the ugly bits that have kept you alive.
Lace up your boots with the stories of your ancestors raging against powers they were told were unbreakable but have long turned to dust.
Greet your witchen kin with right hands grasped, left hand over the heart of the other, foreheads touching. Breath in, breath out. Say, “I fucking love you.”
Remember that hags like you grow like weeds and springtime will never be the same. “
“A wizard can turn fear into joy, frustration to fulfillment. A wizard can turn the time-bound into the timeless. A wizard can carry you beyond limitations into the boundless.”
CURRENTLY: Sun at 18 Gemini Mercury at 11 Cancer (weak) Venus RETROGRADE at 11 Gemini (neutral) Mars at 17 Pisces (weak) Jupiter RETROGRADE at 26 Capricorn (fall, very weak) Saturn RETROGRADE at 1 Aquarius (rulership) Pluto RETROGRADE at 24 Capricorn Neptune at 20 Pisces (rulership, strong) North Node at 29 Gemini
Last Thursday’s Full Moon ECLIPSE in Sagittarius will continue unfolding this week, AND over the next six months. We are rebirthing ourselves, our lives, and hopefully our society, into a world that supports and values everyone. On a personal level, YOU are unique, and you have a precious, singular contribution to make to the world. Just be careful out there folks, we’re still in a pandemic.
The Sun square Mars from last Saturday is still effecting us for a couple of weeks. Don’t over-focus on what other people are doing, instead put energy into YOUR goals. Controlling other people, or criticizing their reactions to the state of the world, is a waste of time. Respect the paths of other people, even if they doesn’t make sense to you. The Sun (Soul and vision) squaring Mars (action and drive) can make us restless and cranky with perceived road blocks. There’s steps each of us need to take in order to move forward right now – usually involving Saturn (discipline and hard work).
Mars is activating and energizing the sign of Pisces right now – the sign of our collective unconscious. Venus is going through her retrograde cycle, which is commonly seen as her descent through the underworld. She will be reborn soon as the Morning Star. Issues, both personal and collective, that have been repressed and denied are coming up for air now and demanding to be acknowledged.
Speaking of squares, there’s another major one happening all year: Pluto at 24 Capricorn square ERIS at 24 Aries. This aspect is rare, chaotic, and will be with us for the whole year! These two planets are the furthest away from the Sun in our solar system, and represent regeneration. Pluto brings evolution through the healing of repressed, toxic energy, and Eris brings change through discord, for the forgotten and oppressed sides of our culture. I hope things will settle down in our country, but I doubt it with this aspect in play. The best way to utilize these energies, is to make sure your side of the street is clean, and your life is organized. Have you been projecting your problems onto others? Do you owe anyone an apology?
Monday, June 8th: Moon void-of-course all day, then into Aquarius at 5:54pm Pacific. Follow routines and planned activities. Moon will be contacting Pluto, Jupiter and Saturn (the Covid point), so stay out of social complications and arguments with other people.
Tuesday, June 9th: Moon in Aquarius. Let the genius in you come out and play! People will be friendly but unemotional, so work towards forward progress. Look for positive developments in society today, since Aquarius is the sign of humanity.
Wednesday, June 10th: Moon void-of-course in Aquarius ALL DAY. Day of continuity from yesterday’s developments. A void Moon always means to lay low and follow well-laid plans. Stay away from risks or negotiation, instead stabilize what’s in progress.
Thursday, June 11th: Moon in Pisces. Creative and peaceful day. Listen to music. Sun (Soul and vision) square Neptune (dreams) is exact in the early morning. There’s some action we need to take to see the path ahead. Neptune aspects often bring fogginess and a feeling of being lost. Don’t be discouraged by this, just be creative and focus on self care.
Friday, June 12th: Moon in Pisces. Keep listening to music and focusing on creativity.
Saturday, June 13th: Moon void, then into Aries at 2:03pm Pacific. We will be full of energy and ambition today, however, Mars conjunct Neptune is exact which can confuse our efforts. Get yourself grounded and centered before undertaking anything. Bring some compassion into your day.
This is the most important thing a person an learn in their lifetime, and if you were never taught, you can learn it. Mastering this will make your life much better – in every possible way. If you struggle financially, or with loneliness, this could be part of it.
“It’s a shame so few of us are taught the basics of how to interact constructively with each other. If you never were, we’re here to help.
Learning social skills can be difficult if you weren’t exposed to traditional group dynamics as a child, if you struggle with a mental illness like anxiety or depression, or even if you just didn’t have a lot of positive role models when you were growing up. Young people tend to learn how to manage their own emotions, recognize those of other people and manage them both effectively by socializing. If these weren’t skills you developed growing up, don’t worry. You’re not alone.
The social foundation: emotional intelligence
Before we get to specific social situations, we should discuss the concept of emotional intelligence (or E.I.). Put very simply, E.I. is your ability to acknowledge your own emotions, recognize emotions in others and use that information to guide your behavior. This is a relatively new area of study in the field of psychology, and developing your own E.I. can help you understand and improve your social interactions.
There are several models of emotional intelligence, but for our purposes, we’ll look at the author Daniel Goleman. He outlines five general categories of E.I. that complement and support one another.
Self-awareness: This simply means being able to identify your own emotions and how they work. Are you anxious in loud environments? Do you get angry when people talk over you? If you know these things about yourself, then you’re practicing self-awareness. This can be more difficult than it sounds, but simply being aware of yourself is all it takes for this step.
Self-regulation: Taking it a step further, self-regulation deals with your ability not just to know your emotions, but manage them. Sometimes that might mean handling them as they come up. If you get angry, knowing how to calm yourself down is important. However, it can also deal with managing the emotions you will face. If you know that stalking your ex’s Facebook is just going to make you feel bad, self-regulation would help you go do something to better your own life instead.
Motivation: External factors like money, status, or pain are powerful motivators. But in Goleman’s model, internal motivation is a key component. This means that you know how to manage your own motivation and create or continue projects because you choose to, not because something outside yourself demands it.
Empathy: It’s just as important to be aware of the emotions of others. This might mean developing the skills to recognize how people are expressing themselves — can you tell the difference between someone who’s comfortable versus someone who’s anxious? — but it also means understanding how other people may respond to the circumstances they’re in.
Socialization: This area deals with your ability to steer your relationships and navigate social situations. It doesn’t mean controlling others, but understanding how to get where you want to be with other people. That might mean conveying your ideas to co-workers, managing a team, or dealing with a conflict in a relationship.
Every social situation is different and there isn’t always a “correct” way to handle any of them. However, when viewed through the lens of these core competencies, most social situations become a lot more manageable. We’ll go over some common scenarios even adults might struggle with, but keep in mind how these principles can apply in all situations.
Constructively confront someone
Confronting someone when you have a problem with that person can be scary. If you’re the type to avoid conflict, you might rationalize it away by saying you want to keep the peace, or you don’t want to upset anyone. However, this can be a way of avoiding your own feelings. If there wasn’t something bothering you, there would be nothing to confront anyone about.
Dr. Ryan Howes, a clinical psychologist, explained to Psychology Today that it’s our own fears that keep us from confronting others. Our fear that we’ll lose something we have, that we’ll hurt someone we care about, or that it will hurt but accomplish nothing. One of the first steps to constructively confronting someone is to recognize that fear in yourself and identify the real issues that led to the conflict in the first place. If you’re annoyed that your partner forgot your birthday, for example, ignoring how you feel about it won’t resolve the conflict.
Once you’re ready, Gregg Walker, a professor at Oregon State University, recommends having the conversation when there’s time to discuss the issue, focusing on “I” statements like “I feel hurt that we didn’t do anything for my birthday,” and describing behavior and your reaction to it, rather than hurling accusations. Healthy confrontations require a fair amount of awareness of your own emotions, so this is a good time to practice that skill.
Speak up and be heard in a group
Whether it’s a meeting or a party, any time you get more than a couple of people together in a group, it can become difficult (if not impossible) to get a word in edgewise. While most tricks on how to combat this involve managing how you talk — pausing in the middle of a sentence rather than the end, or finishing your sentence even if someone tries to interrupt — an often overlooked issue is managing how you react to being talked over.
It would be great if everyone was polite and let you finish or paused to ask what you’re thinking. This doesn’t always happen. If someone interrupts you and you become annoyed, that can kill your motivation to speak up again. Or you might become visibly agitated and demand to be heard, which can be off putting and make people less likely to want to listen to what you have to say.
Instead, Chris Macleod, counselor and author of “The Social Skills Guidebook,” suggests accepting that group conversations are a “vortex of noise and chaos” and going with the flow. Don’t spend all your time trying to fit in that one thing you badly wanted to say. Instead, go with the flow of the conversation and look for new opportunities to jump in. When you do, speak loudly and with confidence. More practical tricks like keeping your stories short or framing a complaint as a story can smooth over the experience, but regulating your own frustration and annoyance is the foundation these tricks build on.
Make (and keep) new friends as an adult
When you’re young, making friends can be relatively easy. School often means that there’s a group of people you’re required to hang out with who are your age. You may share some interests, and you’ll see one another almost every day. As an adult, it can be harder. Everyone’s busy, everyone’s tired, and time feels in short supply. Or so it seems. What really may be lacking is motivation.
As Vox explains, one of the most important keys to developing a new friendship is, well, showing up. You both say, “We should hang out sometime!” but for some reason you never do. Why? Sure, you have things going on, but you still managed to binge watch the latest “Stranger Things.” There’s nothing wrong with a little “me” time, but it’s also O.K. to spend some of it reaching out to someone new.
When making new friends, you have to start with some internal motivation. Decide for yourself that you’re going to make friends and then put yourself in situations where that can happen. Take a class, join a club, or just talk to people you know but aren’t friends with yet. More important, follow up. If you find someone you want to be friends with — and especially if there are indications that person wants to be friends with you, too — put it on the very top of your to-do list to follow up. You’ll be surprised how easy it is when you do it on purpose.
Strike up a conversation with someone new
Talking to a stranger for the first time — whether it’s at a party, a work event, or just on the street — can be complicated. You never know less about someone than when you first meet them. That’s also something you can use to your advantage. People like to talk about themselves. So much so that, according to research from Harvard University, people will sometimes even give up money to be able to talk about themselves.
You might feel awkward or uncomfortable when you’re out on your own, but practicing a little empathy can reveal a powerful truth: So does everyone else. Research from the University of Chicago found that less than 47 percent of its participants believed a stranger would be willing to talk with them. In reality, every attempt was successful. Most of us are willing to have a conversation, we just don’t always want to be the one to make the first move.
However, not everyone is open to a conversation with strangers all the time. An easy way to check is to pay attention to what they’re doing at the time. Are they wearing headphones? Do they seem in a hurry? Are they at their job and only making conversation as part of their duties? If so, you might try again later (or with someone else). If they’re not busy, start by saying hello or opening with a compliment. From there you can keep the conversation going with the “insight and question” method. Simply offer an observation or insight, follow it up with a question, and let the conversation flow naturally.
These are far from the only social situations you might find yourself struggling with, but the principles that can be applied are nearly universal. Acknowledge your own emotional state and manage your needs and feelings in a constructive way. Take the initiative to pursue the social outcomes you want, and empathize with others who are dealing with the same struggles you are. With practice, the rest of the complex nuances of social interaction will flow a lot more naturally.
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